Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!

Leslie

I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!

Mark

I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.

Leslie

Why, is something wrong?

Mark

No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Leslie

[gasps]

Mark

I love her and I want a partner and....

Leslie

[interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."

Mark

I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.

Leslie

How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.

Mark

So you think I should do it though?

Leslie

Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.

Mark

Leslie...

Leslie

No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.

Ann

So are you happy to be back at work?

Leslie

Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy [bleep].

Tom

Leslie! Go home. You're sick.

Leslie

I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in there!

Jerry

No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all sweaty.

Leslie

You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time! What's your excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?

Jerry

...No.

Ben

Who's your doctor?

Leslie

Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.

Ann

104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you.

Leslie

[flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this.

Ann

...What are you doing?

Leslie

[flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them?

Ann

No.

Ann

What are you doing?

Leslie

Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent better. Good as new.

Leslie

Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also don't wanna look too schlubby.

Ann

Get back in that bed.

Leslie

So no to the scarf?

Ann

Get back in the bed

Leslie

No, I'm going to that meeting!

Ann

Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done it before, don't test me!

Leslie

Ben Wyatt! Hello!

Ben

Uhh hi Leslie...

Leslie

Good to see you!

Ben

You too...

Ben

Wow you're really burning up.

Leslie

Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?

Ben

Sure, how much?

Leslie

I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?

Ben

...

Leslie

So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.

Ben

What?

Leslie

The floor and the wall just switched.

Ben

...Okay.

Leslie

Walk very carefully.

Leslie

Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.

Ben

Okay I wouldn't open with that.

Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used to?

Leslie

That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?

Ben

Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards me.

Leslie

Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!

Ben

Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]

Tom

I think I should drive you to the hospital.

Leslie

[In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post hence?

Tom

...

Leslie

[gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!

Ron

Hello Tammy.

Tammy Two

Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.

Ron

And?

Tammy Two

Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

Ron

Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.

Leslie

Oh my God she's amazing...

Ron

[chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.

Tammy Two

A relationship!? With whom!?

Ron

A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.

Tammy Two

Sounds like a real whore.

Leslie

Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.

Andy

Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.

Leslie

Nice.

Ben

Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?

Tom

Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Leslie

Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.

Ben

Okay. How about some calzones?

Leslie

Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.

Ben

Seriously?

Tom

This is embarrassing for you.

Ron

Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

Jerry

Wow! Where ya going?

Leslie

Jerry!

Ron

We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.

Tammy Two

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Leslie

Oh God!