Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.

Tom

Not all the guys. He's never taken me.

Leslie

Fine. All the men.

Leslie

Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to be included on your hunting trip.

Ron

Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.

Leslie

You're literally listening to turkey calls!

Ron

Oh is this not rap?

Ron

Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Here here!

Leslie

And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

Tom

Ron your toast sucked.

Ann

Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.

Leslie

Oh Ann, I always forget since you're so pretty you're not used to rejection.

Leslie

Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?

Ron

I was shot in the head with a shotgun!

Ann

Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?

Ron

Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry! I find that relaxes me!

Ann

Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?

Ron

When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Leslie

Is that normal?

Ann

Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?

Ron

Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows the empty bottle of scotch]

Ann

No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now okay?

Ron

No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.

Ann

Can you open his mouth Leslie?

Leslie

What?

Ann

Open his mouth!

Leslie

Okay.

Ron

I'm not making myself throw up.

Ann

Ron you have to.

Leslie

I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!

Ron

I will bite you!

Ann

Grab his mustache!

Leslie

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

Ron

AHHHHHHHH!

Leslie

Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom

Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie

Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark

He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie

You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom

It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry

You think someone is hunting us?

Tom

Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna

For the Predator!

Tom

I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie

That was pine trees.

Donna

The predator can see heat.

Tom

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.

Leslie

No, I'm an excellent hunter.

How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?

Leslie

Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.

Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.

Leslie

Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I saw a quail and I shot at it.

In mid-trip?

Leslie

No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened, end of story.

Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?

Leslie

[jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best of me.

Ron

You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Leslie

Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.

Ron

Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Leslie

Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-

Ron

Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did that!

You ready to order?

Donna

Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.

Leslie

I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.

How do you want that cooked?

Leslie

Medium Roar.

Medium rare?

Leslie

No, medium roar.

For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore.

Ron

This seems like none of our business.

Leslie

Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."

April

That was a really good Ron.

Leslie

Thank you.

Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?

Leslie

What?

Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?

Leslie

Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. In my whole life.

Oh!

Leslie

Believe me I would have remembered this.

Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.

Ann

What is your ideal man?

Leslie

He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.

Ann

This newspaper's from November 1986.

Leslie

The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.

Ann

I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Leslie

I hate it here, this place is evil.

Ann

I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.

Leslie

Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out

Ann

They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.

Leslie

Hi Marcy.

Leslie! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh I guess not! It's a movie.

Leslie

You're pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the internet.

...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.

Leslie

NO I DON'T!

Yeah. You do.

Leslie

...Ann grab the movies! GO! GO! GO! GO!

Leslie

PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!