Chris Traeger quotes from Parks and Recreation

Chris

I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Chris

I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Chris

Stop...POOPING.

Chris

My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! [exasperated] My body is a microchip...

Chris

There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] Ben, is there something we can do?!

Chris

Damn it, Ben's not here...

Chris

What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no one to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman... sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Chris

If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.

Chris

I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.

Chris

You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.

Ann

Hey have you seen Leslie?

Chris

[deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.

Ann

...The door?

Leslie

So Chris do you have any sisters?

Chris

No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?

Leslie

Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?

Chris

No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?

Leslie

Any aunts?

Chris

Nope. You have aunts?

Leslie

Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?

Chris

Nope.

Ron

Did you forget how to have a conversation?

Leslie

So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?

Chris

Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up on current events.

Leslie

Oh that's what you call it?

Chris

Sorry?

Leslie

How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder probably.

Ron

[lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!

Leslie

Ron!?

Ron

What in the Devil's name is this!?

Chris

Portobello Mushrooms!

Ron

Where's the steak!?

Chris

Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.

Ron

...[starts to faint]

Chris

Hey gang!

Leslie

Hey, what did you bring?

Chris

I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.

Ron

But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?

Chris

No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.

Ron

So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!

Leslie

Take a walk, Ron.

Chris

You ever tried a turkey burger?

Ron

Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes. Delicious.