Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Tom

When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind of politician.

Tom

Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next one.

Tom

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Tom

I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Tom

On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?

Tom

Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Tom

'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.

Tom

That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless Leslie glued to a horse!

Tom

Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Tom

It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well. So those are a maybe.

Tom

He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then BAM, I start crying.

Tom

Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real.

Tom

I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.

Tom

It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.

Tom

[Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

Tom

Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.