Andy Dwyer quotes from Parks and Recreation

Andy

The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...

Andy

Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have…network connectivity problems.

Andy

This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give to ourselves.

Andy

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.

Andy

[Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?

Andy

This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind"

Andy

April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. [laughs] She's weird.

Andy

I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

Andy

I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come up in my police work

Andy

Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job.

Andy

I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Leslie

Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

Dave

Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?

Leslie

[sigh] He wasn't Superman.

Andy

He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?

Leslie

No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Andy

...Yes.

Greg

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Andy

Why don't you just shut up for a second!

Leslie

What's going on in here?

Andy

He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say to a human being!

Greg

Are you crying?

Andy

I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!

Dave

Leslie! What are you doing?

Leslie

Oh boy.

That's them officer! Right there!

Leslie

Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!

Why are you doing this!?

Leslie

It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!

I'm Greg's Mom.

Leslie

...You are?

Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?

Leslie

What!?

Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!

Leslie

I knew it!

Dave

Oh my God!

Andy

Dude! That kid is amazing!

Leslie

How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!

Greg

Maybe the FBI can figure it out.

Andy

Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!

Greg

Wow. You're amazing.

Leslie

Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.

Dave

He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.

Leslie

Well we'll let the jury decide.

Dave

There's not going to be a jury...

Leslie

Then the Judge will decide where he goes!

Dave

He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...

Leslie

Dave just let me have this!

Tom

Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...

Andy

[immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.

April

I'll go, too.

Tom

Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Tom

Alright. See you guys later.

Andy

I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make love.