April Ludgate quotes from Parks and Recreation

April

Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's video...That I took...On the internet!

April

I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

April

Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!

April

I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

April

Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin, he beat up five cops on that stuff.

April

HIs nickname around the office is Softypants McHuggable.

April

We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.

April

My spirit blood is on your hands.

Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark

Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark

Oh, how old are your kids?

No kids.

Tom

Uh-oh.

April

I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."

Mark

Don't do that.

Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.

Mark

April, please stand behind me.

Mark

Hey Parks Department.

Ron

Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.

Nice to meet you.

Mark

Nice to meet you. You guys are together?

Ron

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Tammy stinks.

Tom

Brendanawicz!

Mark

Hey Tom.

Tom

Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.

Mark

[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?

Don't hold it against me.

Tom

Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!

April

This is Derek.

Mark

Cool. How long you guys been dating?

April

We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark

If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.

April

I don't want to talk to you.

April

This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Ben

Hey.

Leslie

Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April

What do you mean?

Leslie

How does this work?

April

Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

It's not that complicated.

April

Do you live here?

Ron

April?

April

Yeah. Do you live here?

Ron

No.

April

Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back.

Ron

It's just a minor medical issue.

April

AIDS?

Ron

...No I'm safe.

April

Blindness?

Ron

...No.

April

Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?

Ron

I have a hernia.

April

Do you have syphilis?

Ron

I said it's a hernia.

April

I know. It's possible to have two things.

April

Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?

Ron

I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.

Jerry

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom

You said "murinal!"

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Ann

Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry

Anyway, she—

April

Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom

Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

Jerry

...Just wanted to show you my art...

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie

Disqualified!

Jerry

It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom

[from other room] No one cares! At all!

Ron

This seems like none of our business.

Leslie

Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."

April

That was a really good Ron.

Leslie

Thank you.