Mark Brendanawicz quotes from Parks and Recreation

Mark

Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...

Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark

Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark

Oh, how old are your kids?

No kids.

Tom

Uh-oh.

April

I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."

Mark

Don't do that.

Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.

Mark

April, please stand behind me.

Mark

Hey Parks Department.

Ron

Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.

Nice to meet you.

Mark

Nice to meet you. You guys are together?

Ron

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Tammy stinks.

Tom

Brendanawicz!

Mark

Hey Tom.

Tom

Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.

Mark

[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?

Don't hold it against me.

Tom

Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!

April

This is Derek.

Mark

Cool. How long you guys been dating?

April

We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark

If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.

April

I don't want to talk to you.

Mark

Hey hi there! What are you doing here?

Ann

Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?

Mark

Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a game that we're playing.

Ann

...My taxes pay your salary right?

Mark

Yeah...

Ann

Cool.

Jerry

Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Mark

That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

Donna

Oh snap!

Jerry

What?

Mark

You didn't know that, huh?

Jerry

...I didn't know I was adopted...

Mark

The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.

Leslie

Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?

Tom

Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.

Leslie

Am I? I am.

Ron

Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Here here!

Leslie

And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

Tom

Ron your toast sucked.

Leslie

Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom

Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie

Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark

He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie

You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom

It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry

You think someone is hunting us?

Tom

Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna

For the Predator!

Tom

I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie

That was pine trees.

Donna

The predator can see heat.

Tom

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

Ron

Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.

Mark

Thank you.

Ron

You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.

Mark

Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.

Ron

Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.

Mark

There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.

Ron

Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Mark

There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.

Ron

Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.

Mark

Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

Ron

Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.

Ron

Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?

Mark

I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.

Leslie

Why, is something wrong?

Mark

No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Leslie

[gasps]

Mark

I love her and I want a partner and....

Leslie

[interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."

Mark

I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.

Leslie

How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.

Mark

So you think I should do it though?

Leslie

Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.

Mark

Leslie...

Leslie

No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.