Ben Wyatt quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ben

That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.

Ben

Thank you, we'll let you know.

Ben

And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]

Ben

My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.

Ben

Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.

Ben

Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy!

Ben

Let's do it to it ma dudes!

Ben

If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No one can bring my parents together.

Ben

Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond.

Ben

My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I think I'm still messed up from it.

April

This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Ben

Hey.

Leslie

Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April

What do you mean?

Leslie

How does this work?

April

Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

It's not that complicated.

Ben

Who's your doctor?

Leslie

Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.

Leslie

Ben Wyatt! Hello!

Ben

Uhh hi Leslie...

Leslie

Good to see you!

Ben

You too...

Ben

Wow you're really burning up.

Leslie

Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?

Ben

Sure, how much?

Leslie

I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?

Ben

...

Leslie

So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.

Ben

What?

Leslie

The floor and the wall just switched.

Ben

...Okay.

Leslie

Walk very carefully.

Leslie

Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.

Ben

Okay I wouldn't open with that.

Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used to?

Leslie

That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?

Ben

Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards me.

Leslie

Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!

Ben

Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]

Leslie

Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.

Andy

Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.

Leslie

Nice.

Ben

Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?

Tom

Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Leslie

Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.