Tammy Two quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.

Tammy Two

You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.

Leslie

Excuse me?

Tammy Two

You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.

Leslie

That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and I'll see you in Hell!

Leslie

I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Tammy Two

Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.

Leslie

Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.

Tammy Two

It's really good to see you Ron.

Ron

You've aged horribly.

Tammy Two

You...son of a bitch!

Ron

That didn't take long.

Tammy Two

Oh my God! What is your problem?! Nothing's changed has it!?

Leslie

I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.

Tammy Two

Leslie that's crazy...and correct.

Leslie

Why are you doing this?

Tammy Two

Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.

Leslie

[being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt!?

Tammy Two

Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.

Leslie

So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.

Tammy Two

Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

Ron

She volunteered.

Tammy Two

Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

Ron

I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.

Leslie

God Ron, you have to!

Tammy Two

Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is all about.

Leslie

No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.

Tammy Two

Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.

Leslie

[gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!

Ron

Hello Tammy.

Tammy Two

Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.

Ron

And?

Tammy Two

Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

Ron

Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.

Leslie

Oh my God she's amazing...

Ron

[chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.

Tammy Two

A relationship!? With whom!?

Ron

A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.

Tammy Two

Sounds like a real whore.

Ron

Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

Jerry

Wow! Where ya going?

Leslie

Jerry!

Ron

We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.

Tammy Two

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Leslie

Oh God!

Ron

Tammy! That's enough!

Tammy Two

Hey Baby!

Ron

You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...

Tom

Hey!

Ron

..reminded me what kind of monster you are.

Tammy Two

You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.

Ron

[Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.

Tammy Two

Guess I'll be heading home.

Ron

Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?

Tammy Two

Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.

Donna

Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!

Ron

No kidding, Donna.

Donna

Not her. The other ex-wife.

Ron

...Tammy One?

Donna

She's in your office.

Tammy Two

Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]

Leslie

Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.

Tammy Two

None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?

Andy

Andy...

Tammy Two

Hey Andy. How's it hanging?

Leslie

Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?

Tammy Two

Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.

April

Eww!

Andy

Could we take a peek at it?

Tammy Two

Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.

Andy

I think I have an idea that can save Ron.

April

Andy...

Leslie

Don't joke around.

Andy

I...have ideas too...

Chris

Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

Tammy Two

Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove...

Chris

May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.

Tammy Two

Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!

Leslie

This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am so so happy for him-

Tammy Two

Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much wood ready to be worked.

Leslie

...Fuck me!

Leslie

Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!

Ron

She's here isn't she?

Tammy Two

Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be here!

Ron

Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-wife.

Tammy Two

Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.

Leslie

And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! Tammy! What are you doing here?

Tammy Two

Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.

Tammy Two

Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same table!

Leslie

Tammy, this table is reserved.

Tammy Two

A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?

Subtle.