LeslieOkay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
Leslie
Go!
Leslie
Wrong.
Leslie
No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
...Id like to discuss the school bus-
Leslie
I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.
Leslie
Just walk in and take a seat.
Leslie
"Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
God! Okay should we just start over?
Leslie
No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
"Deliverance," the movie?
Leslie
Mmmhmmm.
Leslie
How did you find out?
We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
[Ron holds up his phone]
Leslie
[over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
[over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
Leslie
[over phone] OK, lay down...
[Ron puts his phone away]
Leslie
Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
Leslie
Ron, we're being very careful.
[Ron holds up his phone]
Leslie
[over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
[over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
Leslie
OK, yes...
Leslie
[over phone] Oh no!
Leslie
...You've proven your point.
[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]
Leslie
Just one second.
[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]
Leslie
Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going on?
[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]
Leslie
Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.
[Leslie gasps]
I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.
[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]
Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]
Leslie
[standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am Leslie Knope, Deputy-
I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.
[Leslie awkwardly sits down]
[seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.
Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
[to Andy] You. What is your name?
...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
Leslie
Yes!?
You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Leslie
Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-
Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.
Leslie
...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
Now! You're not getting any younger.
Leslie
Yes ma'am...
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]
Leslie
Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] Ron! Your mustache fell off!
Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
Leslie
What?
[to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
Leslie
What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
Leslie
[sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
Leslie
Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right my love?
Leslie
I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
Leslie
Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and you need to go.
[chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
Remember to wash your hands!
[Ron gets up and leaves]
Leslie
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
Leslie
You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
Leslie
Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?
Hey Andy. How's it hanging?
Leslie
Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
Could we take a peek at it?
Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.
Leslie Oh my God!
I think I have an idea that can save Ron.
Leslie
Don't joke around.
[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]
Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!
Leslie
Why do you have so many guns?
This is America isn't it?
Leslie
Yes...
Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing on my own property! Let's go!
Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.
It's time to settle this.
Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Leslie
Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
Leslie
Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
Leslie
...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
[To Tammy One] Had enough?
Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
Leslie
Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
Leslie you don't have to do this.
Leslie
Shhh go to bed Jimmy.
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Leslie
Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
She's had enough. Call it off.
That's not how it works. She's out.
April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.
Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.
[Tammy One walks out]
Leslie
Ron...your family's weird...
Leslie
I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.
Leslie
In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.
After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie
Pawnee!
We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!
[music starts and dancers come out]
Leslie
Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
