Scenes with Leslie Knope 275
So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it privately and I put the footage on my blog...
LeslieYou've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it home and we'll keep it there. What do you say?
I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. [Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated?
Leslie
I don't...I don't know...
No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can load it in the back.
Leslie
No!
[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it]
Leslie
Make me stag! I am Diaphena!
Leslie
You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a Pawnee girl.
Leslie
Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the legendary JJ's Diner?
It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
Leslie
Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
[feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you go!
Leslie
HOW DARE YOU!?
[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]
Leslie
I will never apologize to her.
Leslie
[In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.
Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
Leslie
Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?
First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
Leslie
Thank you.
Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
Leslie
[deeply touched] Thank You.
Leslie
Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash your head in with a baseball bat.
[View of Ann smiling and waving]
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Leslie
...I did. I broke it.
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Leslie
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
[Everyone starts arguing]
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]
"Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."
"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."
"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department."
"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."
No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
Leslie
No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
Leslie
No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
Leslie
Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
Leslie
Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
Leslie
Dance up on me!
[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]
Leslie
If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!
[A girl walks between them]
Leslie
EXCUSE ME!
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
Leslie
This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.
[Cut back to Leslie and Ann]
Leslie
You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid! [Runs into the restroom]
This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
Leslie
You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
[cuts to a drunk Ann]
I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
Leslie
Your mother's butt!
[Everyone laughs]
If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.
Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.
Leslie
Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?
I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.
Leslie
Really?
No, I threw up in the shower.
[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]
Leslie
You came!
Yeah I had some encouragement.
Your sweater's on inside-out.
And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
Leslie
Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.
Leslie
Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
Leslie
Would you mind if I joined you?
[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]
Leslie
Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!
[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.
Leslie
We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!
How many of you are in here!?
Leslie
There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.
SStuart
[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!
[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann]
Leslie
Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!
SStuart
It's my office too-
Leslie
Stuart!
[Stuart awkwardly walks out]
Leslie
Wow that guy was rude.
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
