Scenes with Tammy One 8
Tammy OneRonald.
That's enough small talk. What do you want?
Tammy One
You remember what I do for a living I trust?
Yes. You ruin people's lives.
Tammy One
You're being audited Ronald.
Tammy One
Then why is your mustache trembling?
Tammy One
I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep...
Tammy One
Wrong. You do. But as you're so fond of saying, it's a free county. Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail.
Tammy One
Sit up straight! You're not doing your breasts any favors.
[sits up straight] Thank you.
[walking in] Honey, your breasts look amazing!
[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]
[standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am Leslie Knope, Deputy-
Tammy One
I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.
[Leslie awkwardly sits down]
Tammy One
[seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.
Tammy One
Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
Tammy One
[to Andy] You. What is your name?
...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
Tammy One
Really?
Tammy One
Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
Tammy One
You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-
Tammy One
Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.
...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
Tammy One
Now! You're not getting any younger.
Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right my love?
Tammy One
Stop fidgeting.
I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
Tammy One
He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and you need to go.
[chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
Tammy One
Remember to wash your hands!
[Ron gets up and leaves]
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
Tammy One
In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
It's time to settle this.
Tammy One
Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
Tammy One
Pour it. I'm thirsty.
Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
[To Tammy One] Had enough?
Tammy One
Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
Leslie you don't have to do this.
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
She's had enough. Call it off.
Tammy One
That's not how it works. She's out.
April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.
Tammy One
Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Tammy One
Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.
[Tammy One walks out]
Ron...your family's weird...
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
