Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.

Leslie

Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.

You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?

Oh, that's right - to your mom!

Leslie

There's also going to be hay rides.

"Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.

Tom

China Joe, you are a poet!

Ann

Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.

Leslie

What!? That lying bastard! Wait, how do you know?

Ann

I don't actually have any actual proof.

Leslie

Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

Leslie

So Chris do you have any sisters?

Chris

No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?

Leslie

Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?

Chris

No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?

Leslie

Any aunts?

Chris

Nope. You have aunts?

Leslie

Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?

Chris

Nope.

Ron

Did you forget how to have a conversation?

Leslie

So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?

Chris

Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up on current events.

Leslie

Oh that's what you call it?

Chris

Sorry?

Leslie

How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder probably.

Ron

[lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!

Leslie

Ron!?

Ron

What in the Devil's name is this!?

Chris

Portobello Mushrooms!

Ron

Where's the steak!?

Chris

Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.

Ron

...[starts to faint]

Leslie

I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

Ron

Well done Leslie! Well done!

Leslie

Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

Ben

So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?

Tom

He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.

Ben

Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?

Ron

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

Leslie

We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.

Jerry

Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?

Leslie

Isn't it amazing!

Ben

Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.

...

Leslie

Get out!

Leslie

I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.

Ann

[reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That sounds nice.

Leslie

It was.

Chris

Hey gang!

Leslie

Hey, what did you bring?

Chris

I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.

Ron

But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?

Chris

No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.

Ron

So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!

Leslie

Take a walk, Ron.

Tom

Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

Leslie

What? Oh boy.

Leslie

Hi Joe.

What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back, let's roll.

Leslie

Where is this coming from!?

I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.

Leslie

Great. Okay.

Liking the view.

Still got it Joe.

Leslie

No you don't!

Leslie

Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.

Ann

[typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.

Leslie

Much better.

Ann

Hobbies?

Leslie

Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming on my planner!

Ann

Favorite place?

Leslie

Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.

Ann

...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...

Leslie

Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

Ann

What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?

Leslie

Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!

Ann

Okay what do you think of dogs?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Cats?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Fish?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Turtles?

Leslie

...No opinion.

Ann

...

Leslie

They're condescending.

Ann

Describe your ideal man.

Leslie

He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.

Ann

I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

Leslie

Mmmmm.

Craig

[on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I help you?

Leslie

Craig your service is crap!

Craig

Can you be more specific?

Leslie

Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.

Craig

We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.

Leslie

Really? Well that's not gonna last.

Craig

Excuse me?

Leslie

You heard me! Your marriage is a sham! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]

Leslie

Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I talk to you for a second?

You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.

Leslie

Hmmm.

Would you like to talk outside in my van?

Leslie

No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?

She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.

Leslie

So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old person.

Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.

Leslie

Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?

Tom

Okay.

Leslie

I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.

Tom

One.

Leslie

I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Tom

One.

Leslie

I work at the Parks and Rec...

Tom

[Interrupting] One.

Leslie

That’s what you do.

Tom

One.

Leslie

I once kissed a girl in college.

Tom

[Smiling] Eight.

Leslie

Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.

Tom

One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.

Brandi Maxxxx

I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I do is obviously art.

Leslie

Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.

Brandi Maxxxx

It's okay Leslie, I got this one.

Leslie

What!?

Brandi Maxxxx

What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's girl on girl action, bondage or what have you!

Leslie

Okay hang on...

Leslie

Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."

Brandi, how would you define pornography?

Brandi Maxxxx

For me, it's when the penis goes in.