Craig quotes from Parks and Recreation

Craig

I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig.

Craig

[on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I help you?

Leslie

Craig your service is crap!

Craig

Can you be more specific?

Leslie

Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.

Craig

We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.

Leslie

Really? Well that's not gonna last.

Craig

Excuse me?

Leslie

You heard me! Your marriage is a sham! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]

Donna

Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?

Craig

Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! AND IT'S INCURABLE! ...Also, I have eczema.

Leslie

Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.

Craig

I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!

Leslie

Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.

Ron

This way please.

Leslie

Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best friends attack Ron!

Leslie

A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!

Leslie

In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!

Leslie

It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!

Craig

[running away] OHHH NOOO!

AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!

[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!

Andy

[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!

April

April Ludgate, professional drinker.

Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?

April

The Wine...Academy.

The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?

April

Yes!

Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.

Craig

Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and this is my debit rewards card!

Craig

Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!

April

I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.

Craig

It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!

April

This comes from...your mother's butt.

Tom

Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.

Craig

I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!

Craig

Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?

Tom

Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.

Craig

You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.

Donna

No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.

April

I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.

Craig

...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]

Tom

Seems to be keeping it together

Craig

[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!

Craig

For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.

Tom

Thanks very much!

Craig

Enjoy. [walks out]

Tom

I think I might have found my new sommelier.

Craig

[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!

Tom

I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.