Never Mind the Buzzcocks · Season 21
(During Phill's team's Intros round)
I'm just bracing myself.
You comfy?
Yep.
Strap in.
I'm strapped in. Take me to musical heaven, Phill Jupitus! (audience laughter) Oh my God, I can't believe I've just said that!
Musical heaven I can't do, but I do know a Travelodge on the A127...
[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.
She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guest captain Noel Fielding and guests Bobby Davro, Roy Stride, Richard Fleeshman, Kristen Schaal
The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)
Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.
And I'm gonna watch!
I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...
Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!
Cream soda this time.
And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!
Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!
With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
(matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!
"I think I'd better leave right now..."
"...before I fall any deeper."
Correct, Will Young. I prefer the, uh, Fleeshman version.
If you must know, I did Evergreen. Do your research! Lamarr would've done it. (audience laughter, applause and cheering. Simon laughs. The time-up sting plays.)
Lamarr wouldn't have done any more research than I did!
Right! (to Noel's team) You've got sixteen points. (to Phill's team) You've got five points, you need eleven to win.
How many cards are there? Count them now.
(counts cards) ...nine.
Right...
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Vic Reeves, Mark Ronson, Matt Bowman, Myleene Klass
Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.
I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.
Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!
If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?
I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...
Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?
"Here's your album, call me next year." No.
I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!
(to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!
(to camera) Come back to us, Amy!
(to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)
(to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!
(to Matt) Have you ever made any unreasonable demands?
We used to have a massive rider, it was huge, and then we got a bill for it. So yeah, uh, subsequent riders were kinda like... just...
Tone it down a bit?
Tap water...
Yeah, like non-branded lagers, four only... and, like... fruit...
(laughs) "Fruit"? That's not a rider, that's not very rock-and-roll! A rider's supposed to be like, you're supposed to go mental, have a swan carved out of ice, with baked beans on it and a Nissan Micra and a lifetime subscription to the Times Literary Supplement, not fruit!
(following a clip of the "comedy wall" on Hear'Say It's Saturday)
I haven't felt this angry about a wall since Berlin!
What I love actually, I love this, I found out about The Spice Girls, they offered the fans via their website the chance they would play in any city in the world, and there was a massive internet campaign saying "Baghdad"! And in the end, they went, they just ignored it and went "Oh, you meant Toronto? Yes we'll go there!"
(reading from cue card) I hear that Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
(looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday comedy wall) So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!
(Simon closes the window, only to reopen it)
Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Matthew Horne, Kate Nash, Antony Costa, Martin Freeman
(In "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", Bill's team are asked what injured Paul McCartney. A still from Ever Present Past is on the screen behind Simon)
A-dee-di-dee-di-dee... That's just, what the hell is he doing? It's like a Variety Club choreographer... What the hell? ...Dohhhhh!
Don't you like it?
Yeah it's alright. (audience laughter)
I don't see the problem. Not only do I think it's the best record he's made, I think it's the best record that's ever been made! You're not gonna get me to knock McCartney, mate!
How many records have you heard in your life?
Eight! And this is the best of eight.
Antony, it is lovely to have you here.
Thanks, Si.
I'm a big fan of Blue.
No, you're not. (audience laughter)
I tried my best, I had a good go there!
We was scared of you when we was in the band.
Really?
Yeah, you used to take the mick proper.
I didn't try to take the piss out of Blue, you just came on and said very stupid things... (audience laughter) ...I was mainly reacting. You of course, like Paul McCartney, were part of a supergroup... What would you say were the main differences between The Beatles and Blue?
They could sing! They were talented, we weren't!
Of course, The Beatles played and wrote their own music, but Blue didn't bother with such gimmicks.
No, we wrote our own stuff!
Go on, which bits did you write?
"And". (audience laughter) "The".
All the little words.
Nah, we wrote our own stuff, if you look at our albums, we did.
Yeah, but that's, come on... (audience laughter) Come on.
Simon, this is awful, you're evil!
I'm not evil!
This is supposed to be the new positive approach!
(to Antony) If you were Sting he wouldn't do that...
We couldn't get Sting...
That's what I mean!
We couldn't even get Lee! (audience laughter) I think tonight it would be good to sort of set the record straight on Antony's part in the band, because it was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talents, Duncan was quite good looking, and Antony had a PlayStation... You're my favourite.
No I'm not!
No, I don't think I liked any of you!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
