Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes

[not taking her eyes off him] Number four... uh, I'm concerned for... because he has a haunted look that... is chilling me to the bone...

Simon

And after all that... oh, it's a tie, rendering this whole thing completely pointless!

Simon

By the way, David Cross is a big American star. (to David) We were worried you wouldn't know what the hell anyone is talking about, I've written out some pop facts for you (hands David some cards) just so you can use them and if you need them at any point, then they're there.

Okay... (reading from a card) "Mis-Teeq's Sabrina has the middle name Frederica!" (to the audience) It's true! It's really true!

You know what? This is kind of weird... (reading from a card) "Kavarna thinks that Italy is the most romantic country in the world, and he would love to live there one day!" People are weird.

Simon

(whispers to David) Kavana.

Kavana is what... (audience laughter and applause) Kavana is what he refers to himself... in public... but those who truly know him, like myself...

Simon

Don't worry, Ryan, it's alright. You look a bit upset. Don't worry about it.

Here, read that to yourself. (hands Ryan one of his cards)

(reading from the card) "Sinéad from B*Witched says the most nervewracking thing she's ever done is sit a piano exam."

Simon

Do you feel better now?

...I do actually.

I'm just bracing myself.

Phill

You comfy?

Yep.

Phill

Strap in.

I'm strapped in. Take me to musical heaven, Phill Jupitus! (audience laughter) Oh my God, I can't believe I've just said that!

Phill

Musical heaven I can't do, but I do know a Travelodge on the A127...

Simon

[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel

She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon

She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.

Simon

The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)

Noel

Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.

And I'm gonna watch!

Noel

I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...

Simon

Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!

Noel

Cream soda this time.

Simon

And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!

Noel

Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!

Simon

With a pair of scissors made of glitter?

Noel

(matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

Simon

"I think I'd better leave right now..."

"...before I fall any deeper."

Simon

Correct, Will Young. I prefer the, uh, Fleeshman version.

If you must know, I did Evergreen. Do your research! Lamarr would've done it. (audience laughter, applause and cheering. Simon laughs. The time-up sting plays.)

Simon

Lamarr wouldn't have done any more research than I did!

Simon

Right! (to Noel's team) You've got sixteen points. (to Phill's team) You've got five points, you need eleven to win.

How many cards are there? Count them now.

Simon

(counts cards) ...nine.

Right...

Simon

Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.

I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.

Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!

Simon

If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?

I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...

Simon

Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?

"Here's your album, call me next year." No.

Simon

I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!

Phill

(to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!

(to camera) Come back to us, Amy!

Phill

(to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)

(to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!

(to Matt) Have you ever made any unreasonable demands?

We used to have a massive rider, it was huge, and then we got a bill for it. So yeah, uh, subsequent riders were kinda like... just...

Tone it down a bit?

Tap water...

Yeah, like non-branded lagers, four only... and, like... fruit...

(laughs) "Fruit"? That's not a rider, that's not very rock-and-roll! A rider's supposed to be like, you're supposed to go mental, have a swan carved out of ice, with baked beans on it and a Nissan Micra and a lifetime subscription to the Times Literary Supplement, not fruit!