(following a clip of the "comedy wall" on Hear'Say It's Saturday)
I haven't felt this angry about a wall since Berlin!
S2121x06
BBill
What I love actually, I love this, I found out about The Spice Girls, they offered the fans via their website the chance they would play in any city in the world, and there was a massive internet campaign saying "Baghdad"! And in the end, they went, they just ignored it and went "Oh, you meant Toronto? Yes we'll go there!"
MMyleene
(reading from cue card) I hear that Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
(looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday comedy wall) So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!
(Simon closes the window, only to reopen it)
Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.
S2121x07
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Matthew Horne, Kate Nash, Antony Costa, Martin Freeman
(In "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", Bill's team are asked what injured Paul McCartney. A still from Ever Present Past is on the screen behind Simon)
BBill
A-dee-di-dee-di-dee... That's just, what the hell is he doing? It's like a Variety Club choreographer... What the hell? ...Dohhhhh!
Don't you like it?
BBill
Yeah it's alright. (audience laughter)
I don't see the problem. Not only do I think it's the best record he's made, I think it's the best record that's ever been made! You're not gonna get me to knock McCartney, mate!
BBill
How many records have you heard in your life?
Eight! And this is the best of eight.
Antony, it is lovely to have you here.
AAntony
Thanks, Si.
I'm a big fan of Blue.
AAntony
No, you're not. (audience laughter)
I tried my best, I had a good go there!
AAntony
We was scared of you when we was in the band.
Really?
AAntony
Yeah, you used to take the mick proper.
I didn't try to take the piss out of Blue, you just came on and said very stupid things... (audience laughter) ...I was mainly reacting. You of course, like Paul McCartney, were part of a supergroup... What would you say were the main differences between The Beatles and Blue?
AAntony
They could sing! They were talented, we weren't!
Of course, The Beatles played and wrote their own music, but Blue didn't bother with such gimmicks.
AAntony
No, we wrote our own stuff!
Go on, which bits did you write?
AAntony
"And". (audience laughter) "The".
BBill
All the little words.
AAntony
Nah, we wrote our own stuff, if you look at our albums, we did.
Yeah, but that's, come on... (audience laughter) Come on.
MMatthew
Simon, this is awful, you're evil!
I'm not evil!
MMatthew
This is supposed to be the new positive approach!
BBill
(to Antony) If you were Sting he wouldn't do that...
We couldn't get Sting...
BBill
That's what I mean!
We couldn't even get Lee! (audience laughter) I think tonight it would be good to sort of set the record straight on Antony's part in the band, because it was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talents, Duncan was quite good looking, and Antony had a PlayStation... You're my favourite.
AAntony
No I'm not!
No, I don't think I liked any of you!
S2121x11
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Chris O'Dowd, Joe Goddard, Dev Hynes, James Nesbitt
Why do they always have to sit on their cars?
I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.
Have you met my girlfriend?
Is she nice?
You would remember her.
Oh really? Is she quite a looker?
BBill
She's..18-foot..high..
She's got these crazy eyes.
9 of 'em.
Oh this is the right time to ask.
BBill
Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?
Guitars for people in jail.
BBill
Musical instruments..-
Banjos for paedos.
BBill
Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!
Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]
Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.
They're still very very good to me.
I still use one, I've got one.
You still use the Yellow Pages?
Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.
They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?
Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....
James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.
Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]
[pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.
S2222x01
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Mark Ronson (Guest captain), Adele, Tim Minchin, Jamie Reynolds, Ralf Little.
I'm a big fan of The Klaxons,of course.
JJamie
Thank you very much.
There's you, you're Jamie from The Klaxons.
JJamie
I'm Jamie, yes.
There's also James from The Klaxons.
JJamie
Yes. He's better-looking than me isn't he?
Quite hot, hot.
JJamie
I know. [whispers] That's why I got him in. [laughs]
Do you um.. do people ever get confused & booked you, for a tv show, thinking it's him?
JJamie
Now.. [waits for audience to stop] I don't mean to be funny but I think it happens for us whether or not I'm sitting quite close to this man here [points at Phil]
PPhil
No, I wanted the big,lumpy one. [points at Jamie]
MMark
And then what was this.. what was C?
C is uh.. organizers couldn't find a good spoon for her soup.
MMark
..spoon for her soup.. and then what was the question?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.