Mark Lamarr quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and I think that's cruel.

Okay, Whis... (collapses in hysterical laughter after accidentally almost reading out a song on the card!)

When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!

Did you hear that?

No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".

I want the full intro on this one.

Go for the vocal line, kids!

Phill

You ready?

No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?

Phill

I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)

I've had a complete mind block with that one!

Phill

It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!

Because I've been so helpful so far...

Phill

You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!

Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!

Phill

Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!

That was Vortex with "Open the Gate", although it did look scarily like Boy George pre-Culture Club, didn't it? What do you think the scary bloke was singing there?

Phill

There's nothing quite like a fat goth, is there, Mark?

By the way, the make-up artist never worked again after that.

Phill

She never worked before! (audience laugther) The dubbing was top, wasn't it?

Very good, it was like one of those Chinese films: (moves his lips differently to the words he says) "I'm gonna kick your head in!"

You could tell he was miming 'cos the bone wasn't plugged in! (in the video, vocalist Jurjen 'Thundervox' Tichelaar sings into a bone)

Phill

It's not the first badly dubbed Dutch video I've seen with a bone in someone's hand, Mark! (Mark and audience laughter and applause. Phill turns to Tony) You liked it, didn't you?

I did, yeah...

Phill

You just whispered into my ear "I've got this album", didn't you? "These are great!" (to Gary) You think there's a food connection, don't you?

Yeah, I got "Against the wall of a savoury low-fat cake."

I got "Bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits...

It's much nicer than "Bright arse, burning like fire", isn't it?

Phill

We've got a line about, "We've got some tights, a bag, a beautiful pair; sometimes a donkey you will see." All together boys...

"We've reached the land of Hull..." (audience laughter)

Phill

"...Bring mangoes off the boat; And then talk Vortex student braille." You see, behind all the make-up and everything they've got a social conscience.

I've gone a bit further on - "You know the smell of chili from that night..."

The last line is "A lemon slice and a savoury whale", quite popular in Dutchland.

Phill

They're hungry, they're socially conscious, they're angry, they're Dutch, they look like pandas.

Would you like to sing that along with the band?

Phill

Would we ever? (The music video starts up)

(singing)

I'm sorry to bring you this news, but that wasn't the real words! The real words were:

I'm gonna give you a point from charity's sake. The band Vortex were formed after the breakup of Werewolf and Thunderfox. We don't know a lot about Werewolf and Thunderfox, although with names like that, they probably have shagged Ulrika Jonsson.

Can I just say, this is so scary, I'm gonna have my gay card taken away for not knowing that! I'm gonna be disqualified! Gay bars will go "No, you got that wrong on Never Mind the Buzzcocks! Get out of town!"

How many points have you got on it on the moment? "Three more and you're out."

I know, exactly.

You'll have to shag girls! What's the exam like when you get your card?

It's very tough.

Is it an oral?

Phill

Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!

(shakes his fist) Moyles!

Phill

(as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!

Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!

Sunday afternoon, lot of cars in a field selling gear out the back.

Incorrect. That's a car boot sale. What a booty call is, is we're all very aware about pregnancy in pop recently, and here we have an example, not this lady (points to the screen), but the other one, Mel. She's pregnant.

Yes.

She has needs, other needs. She has to make these needs known. She has to phone Mothercare and order baby clothes, little booties...

I got where you're coming from. No.

It's actually something that pirates do, like "Jim, lad, we've found the treasure!"

Tom Robinson and his "pieces of eight" material, ladies and gentlemen.

It's an 0898 number for pirates. (as a pirate) "Arr, looking to call a pirate? Want to talk to other pirates? Call 0898..."

Sean

Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean

You do that when you're wanking?

Sometimes.

Sean

(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

You couldn't get me off.

Phill

"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean

You call it "walloping"?

Phill

I call it "walloping", yeah!

Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean

Yes...

Walloping.

Sean

Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

I bashed him furiously!

Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?

Phill

Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?

Radio 4.

Phill

You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)

Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.

Phill

It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...

When did they play that?

Phill

In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?

"Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."

"These Boots Are Made For Walking".

Phill

No.

Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.

Sean

(as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'

(as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)

It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.

Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.

This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)

"If The Kids Are United"...

Phill

(angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")

Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".

It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)

Phill

(angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!

Phill

Is it my mum's radio?

Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill

Cheggers Plays Tough!

I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill

There's no prizes, Keith!

I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill

On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean

Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean

Sure, no problem.

I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

You were being a tambourine?

Sean

Yeah!

Phill

A tambourine!?

Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean

'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

What?

Sean

(makes the hissing sound)

Phill

The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

So Sean's team, can you detect which is the real Edwin, and which are the Droods? Is it number one, Six Day War? Number two, Hundred Years' War? Number three, Evelyn War? Number four, what is it good for? Or number five, HUH, absolutely nothin'?

Okay, before I go any further, I'm not gonna take the mick too much because I could be related to any one of these guys, so erm...

You mean because you're black as well?

No, I'm sure my dad used to cut some of their hair.

Number three probably wasn't a regular, was he?

Sean

I'm a little worried about number three, he's just looking at a light, transfixed.

(in an elderly man's voice) This is the first time I've come out in a long time! Is this a studio, yes? This is lovely!

Sean

Are you okay, number three? He just doesn't know! Well four of them are obviously English and Edwin's flown over from America, so who looks jetlagged? Three! (audience laughter) He had a near crash, he's traumatised!

Nah, any Americans here? Because normally they go, any Americans would go "WHOOO!" Erm, I reckon it's number four.

Sean

Without any doubt, but I think we should let Faye choose.

Well I like number four too because he's got that...

Sean

Not who you like! (audience laughter)

We try and make it a fun show, but we've gotta have rules!

It's definitely number four, he's got that star quality...

You're actually in the lead, so you can just pick a favourite if you want.

Sean

Well, my favourite's number three, obviously! (number three - Athelston - still doesn't flinch! Audience laughter)

He doesn't seem so fond of you!

Sean

(to Mark) I know! (to the lineup) Three, I love you, you're coming home with me, we're living together...

Isn't number three a very passionate man? (Beat. Audience laughs even more)

Sean

I'm worried about the fella!

When they all walk off, and he's still there! (imitates Athelston's stare at the lights)

Sean

I know! He's the most professional, I bet they say to him "Now don't move, just stare straight ahead", and he goes "I gotcha!" (imitates Athelston's stare) He's the best! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest have been fidgeting, moving about, all sudden movements... HE'S A MANNEQUIN!

The question being, which one do you think might be Edwin Starr?

Number...

Four.

Let's find out. Will the real Edwin Starr please step forward? (the real Edwin Starr - number four - steps forward. Audience cheers and applause) And, er, just to set my mind at ease, would number three please step forward? (audience and Edwin laugh, Athelston almost cracks, Sean and Junior start beckoning him to step forward, and finally he does so, to the absolute joy of Mark, the panel, the line-up and the studio audience. Edwin embraces Athelston) It's like the parable of the bald man that could walk!

I bet he's a goer though, he's very fit, isn't he, Jimmy. I bet he could go for hours! I bet if you have sex with Jimmy Savile, afterwards you get a Mars bar and a Bacofoil cloak! (huge laughter from the audience, Mark and the teams)

I think there's some porn going on there, 'cos all that jewellery, that's gotta come to a fair bit. Both of them are caked in gold. There's gotta be a bit of porn involved, 'cos it's far too expensive to have all that on.

So you think the richest people in the world are those that star in porn films?

Phill

You couldn't have Jimmy Savile in a porn film, you'd never be able to concentrate! (as Savile) "Now, you're a lovely lady, and I'm a plum-ber, and I've come to fix yer... How's about me repairing your plum-bing?"

Now then, now then, now then, what's that then?

Phill

And then when he's actually having sex... (as Savile) Eh-uh-uh... (goes into Savile's yodel)

The orgasm!

I'm guessing there might be other areas we could explore.

If it was Gloria Estefan, we could've done a "Clunk Click, Every Trip" joke. (audience groans) Oh, come on! Apparently her last two had sold so well her spine went platinum. Is it true that his hairdresser was so famous they wrote an opera about him? (turns to camera) And that's this week's viewer's question, so what would that opera be called? (Mark laughs) Jimmy Savile's hairdresser, they wrote an opera about him. Call, and the prize is my dressing room key here at the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. (picks up and shows his key) Any offers?

No entrance.

The Barber of Savile!

The Barber of Savile! Well done!

(laughing and pointing at the audience member) He was pleased with himself!

Sean

You've got a twelve-year-old kid! The only reason to do that is if you're playing football and someone's taking a free kick!

Is Danny Kaye about to come in and go "Me, a swan?" (Mark laughs and claps. Some audience members also clap.)

No, don't clap just 'cos I did! Make your own minds up! That's what I'm trying to say, be individual!

Yeah, but you're a leader of men!

...Of one bloke, there. (points to an audience member)

Well Hitler probably started with one bloke. Hitler was probably in a pub and said "we should invade Poland" and one bloke went... (Claps) ...And ten years later...

So, I've got a cult and it's just me and him? (Frank nods to the audience member) I'm gonna... I'm gonna top meself in a minute!

See? That Hitler thing's started already! He killed the Alsatian first, I think is the normal the way round...

What, Eva?

Ohhh!

What? I'm slagging off Eva Braun, and you're going "That's unfair! Don't slag off Eva, she was a lovely woman, apart from shagging, like, maybe the most evil man the world's ever seen, apart from that she was alright..."

Sean

She shagged Chris Evans!?

Smokey Robinson started a trend amongst pop stars when he named his daughter Tamla after his record company. Courtney Love's father calls her Rough Trade, while George Michael's dad now calls him Strange Fruit.

Attractions bass player Bruce Thomas cut himself while demonstrating the safest way to smash a bottle in a fight. Kurt Cobain suffered a similar mishap while demonstrating the safest way to blow your head off with a gun.

Was Kurt Cobain's dad on Stiff Records? (long period of laughter from the audience and Mark. A female audience member laughs hysterically.) That's a seagull trapped in the skylight!

Turn the extractor fan off, let it out will you? (the audience member laughs even harder.) She's having a lovely time.

I don't know, she might be having a bloody heart attack and we're ignoring it, or an asthma attack...

I guess she's having a stroke every now and again.

Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!

They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!

You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!

I might not be here without those.

Sean

Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.

So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?

Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!

Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.

Not outside here!

They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!

Mine are special.

You've got special sausages?

Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.

You sell pudding as well?

Sean

Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

Sean

Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean

They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

W...

Sean

No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Ooh, your van's here!

I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean

I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky

Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Special magic sausages!

Sean

Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean

It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean

Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)