Mark Lamarr quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Can you do it in my ear?

Sean

Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...

It's the only language he understands!

Sean

Mushy peas and a bit of curry!

(laughing) Can we have some reverb?

Can we have some off?

(starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)

Sean

Are you calling for a dog?

It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!

Is it recent or is it quite old?

Sean

No it's old.

It's oooollld.

Have you ever had electric shock treatment?

I burnt myself on a cooker once!

They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.

But you're working in a burger van!

I do the odd date.

In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?

Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...

Alright, Pink Floyd?

Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.

Really? What, and not play for a long time?

Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."

Sean

Hence David's on the show!

"Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...

Sean

Salt and vinegar?

"You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.

Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."

Sean

Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.

It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."

"Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."

That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."

Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...

Sean

Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)

It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!

Phill

There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean

"Poink"?

"Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill

Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

I do not speak like that!

Phill

You just did!

(laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill

Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean

Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean

That you got banned from!

Sean

(referring to Durst) He's just really eager hitching isn't he? "My way or highway!"

Well it's very very hard to get to Uality these days.

I think he looks a bit like David Beckham in a funny fairground mirror at the end. David Beckham went up to one of those mirrors that's what he would look like.

Sean

And that's the connection?

Quite importantly can I just say looking at Victoria Beckham...

Is it gonna be funny what you're gonna say?

I'd imagine so, or I wouldn't be saying it...

Press on then.

Sean

(as Fairbrass) Oooh, press on, Mark! Press on!

Looking at the Victoria Beckham thing, it's very important this time of year, a timely reminder to kids, never ever return to the lit firework once it's been...

Sean

Let's press on...

It must be something to do with the fact that actually, she only eats a biscuit for lunch or something like that... (we see a flash of bright lights and hear a clap of thunder)

(in a deeply electronically processed voice) The voice of rock!

I see I'm the fall guy in this equation, but okay. (Phill laughs) (to Fairbrass) Do you think he's stereotyping us at all? Richard, shall we swap roles? Maybe I'll do the camp bits and...

Oh yeah, you're gonna be editor of Kerrang! for a long time if you're doing the camp bits!

What are you saying?

At least it might mean that some of your readers can have sex! (thunder and lightning) It's worked for you, Fairbrass!

It is true to say I that have been a player of the pink oboe. And I can raise a real tune on it occasionally...

Really?

...but not for some time.

Phill

(laughs) It's the idea of him in bed with someone and, just the duvet, and underneath the duvet... (hums PEnnsylvania 6-5000)

If you know the holes to put your finger on you can play a tune! (to Mark) You're always like this when I'm on the show!

I know...

We should just go out, kiss and get it over with.

Let's kiss now. Let's do the gay Buzzcocks kiss. (a female audience member shouts "Ugh!". Fairbrass laughs and points at the audience member, while Mark and the audience laugh.) I think they meant "Ooh, he's gonna to kiss Mark!"

I like flushing your mouth.

That's the last thing you'll get, a kiss maybe. You're not flushing me out I'll tell you that! You can see why it's been six series before we've had him back!

I've moved house, you lost my address or something.

You can do it again if you want, but I have no fucking clue, you could do it backwards.

I think we might have to do it again without you going "I have no fucking clue" in the middle.

I haven't a fricking clue.

Well, you can say "fricking".

I have no fricking clue, cunt!

Can I just... Have we got Fairbrass because another pop quiz in another country's had like an exchange student affair? Is that why you went... (Fairbrass thrusts his pelvis) ...don't ever! Not on my watch, soldier!

I did it to a Hamburger once.

You shagged a hamburger? 'Cos it said you can have it with or without a gherkin?

Sean

Did you sing to it before hand? "Hello...

Is it me you're looking for?"

(thrusts his pelvis) Bosh!

(pointing at Sean) It's Hamburglar!

A few weeks ago on this show I made this joke about him... (replay of the Omar joke from 12x03) ... so, er, God bless him for coming on and... let's see if you can recognise him. (camera shot changes to the lineup - Omar is clearly number 3!) I know you know him anyway, Pete, but it's obviously number three! Pete, do you know Omar?

No!

Is number one Omar? Or is it number two, Mullah Omar? Or is it number three, Omar, he's making eyes at me? Or is it number four, Omar mia, here I go again? Or is it number five, Omar boomerang won't come back? I feel really guilty now making the joke I wouldn't recognise him. I haven't seen him for ten years, he's the most recognisable person in the world!

I think number three looks like he's one of those guards outside Buckingham Palace and it's been a really windy day and his bearskin... it's rained on his bearskin and it's just blown off. I don't know...

You do know, it's number three, I've told you four times! Even if you've never seen Omar in your life you'd go "well it can't be one, two, four or five, because that's not Omar! Omar looks like number three!"

Well who's number one?

He's not Omar, that doesn't matter! Let's find out, would Omar please make himself known? (Omar - number 3 - steps forward and pulls out a Blockbuster card from his pocket!) It is him! Currently working on his sixth album and recording with various artists including Stevie Wonder - which really does piss on my strawberries, doesn't it? - a big round of applause for, and thank you very much for coming on, Omar, ladies and gentlemen!

Simon

So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.

And you filmed it!

Simon

No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.

Nice to see you taking notes there, Bill

I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.

No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".

Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.

I thought you was down with Westwood, man.

I'm not down with Westwood!

No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]

Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.

I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"

"Anything you can do, I can do better...?"

I can do anything better than you.

No you can't.

...all right...

See?

"She may be the beauty or the beast..."? Bill, I think you'll know this one.

Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!

You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.

Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.

Am I being awkward?

No, you're not being awkward... I think it's pronounced "retarded".