[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
CTCrow T. Robot
[singing]
S5The Girl in Lovers Lane
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
JSJoel, Servo
[to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
CCrow
[singing]
Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.
[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
CCrow
To live like the E-lam...
[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]
CCrow
Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- [the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]
[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]
BWBathing Woman
[to Bix] Are you in the right room now?
[as Bix] Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life!
CCrow
[as Bix] If this room is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]
JJesse
I want the girl (Carrie).
BBix
I told you, she's busy.
CCrow
[as Jesse] Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?"
[Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]
CCrow
Oh; Edvard Munch was here!
WWoman
What was that?
[as man] I don't know- I just arrived in this film.
[the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]
CCrow
[as man] We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here.
[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]
BBix
I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her!
CSCarrie's Father
You loved her?! [throws a punch to Bix's jaw]
[as Carrie's Father] That's great!
CSCarrie's Father
She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself!
[sarcastically] Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis.
[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]
CCrow
Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom.
See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood!
CCrow
[aside to Servo] (To) Florida (actually).
...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home.
CCrow
Now that's a better ending!
S5The Painted Hills
[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
SAServo [as TV announcer]
Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...
[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]
Ah, spring!
CACrow [as Narrator]
Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
You know, people were whiter back then.
When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
CCrow
Underpants.
...Love.
CCrow
Oh.
[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Look at that hair!
CCrow
[defensively] I like her hair!
And that blouse!
CCrow
[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Those... n-nose.
. . .
CCrow
We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
CACrow [as young man]
Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes--
SAServo [as the Narrator]
Is immoral.
--is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
CCrow
Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
CCrow
Skin sucks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.