[Singing to the opening credits theme]
The Girl in Lover's Lane...
CCrow
With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!
“The Girl in Lovers Lane” · Season 5
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (8), Tom Servo (7), Joel Robinson (3), Bix (3), Danny (1)
[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
BBix
That's a good idea.
SAServo [as Bix]
You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
JAJoel [as Danny]
We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know-- d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix -- decidin' when ta eat?
CACrow [as Bix]
Shut up, Danny.
JAJoel [as Danny]
Oh.
[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
CTCrow T. Robot
[singing]
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
JSJoel, Servo
[to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
CCrow
[singing]
Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.
[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
CCrow
To live like the E-lam...
[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]
CCrow
Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- [the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]
[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]
BWBathing Woman
[to Bix] Are you in the right room now?
[as Bix] Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life!
CCrow
[as Bix] If this room is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]
JJesse
I want the girl (Carrie).
BBix
I told you, she's busy.
CCrow
[as Jesse] Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?"
[Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]
CCrow
Oh; Edvard Munch was here!
WWoman
What was that?
[as man] I don't know- I just arrived in this film.
[the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]
CCrow
[as man] We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here.
[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]
BBix
I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her!
CSCarrie's Father
You loved her?! [throws a punch to Bix's jaw]
[as Carrie's Father] That's great!
CSCarrie's Father
She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself!
[sarcastically] Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis.
[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]
CCrow
Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom.
See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood!
CCrow
[aside to Servo] (To) Florida (actually).
...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home.
CCrow
Now that's a better ending!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.