[During Jimmy's trial...]
Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
JAJoel [as Jimmy]
...but I'm Esther Rolle!
But... I accuse my parents!
[Everyone applauds.]
Yes! We have a title!
S5I Accuse My Parents
[singing] Are you happy...
CCrow
Define "happy!"
...In your work...
Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...
[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]
You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
SAServo [as Jimmy]
Eighteen, after taxes!
[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]
SAServo [as Kitty]
If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
CCrow
I accuse her hair!
[Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]
The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of!
Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome!
Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing.
Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only one Tom Servo!
I want to run and jump and skin my knees!
CCrow
You don't have any legs.
I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole.
CCrow
Your arms don't even work.
[starting to become forlorn] I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings!
CCrow
[bluntly] You'll get beat up, because you're a freak.
[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him] Oh; now I know I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking.
[Joel presents his Invention Exchange piece- the Junk Drawer Organizer, making a place for all the assorted bits and rubbish that fill up the junk drawer]
CCrow
How many times have you been rummaging through wondering to yourself "Where did I put that gun?". Well, now there's a place for it!
[Frank absent-mindedly baked a Chippendales dancer into the Mads' latest experiment "Cake n' Shake"; the dancer's (still alive) hand poking out of the half-disassembled cake]
TSTV's Frank
Oh, hey!
The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life!
TSTV's Frank
[offers the dancer his slice of cake] Cake?
CCrow
[watching the scene unfold back on the Satellite] ...Oh, it's beefcake!
[after finally digging the dancer free at the end of the episode]
Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing-
DDancer
Rodney.
Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. [offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance] No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough.
Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project?
Mm-hmm.
Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh?
Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... .
[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]
Huh.
CCrow
That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww!
Ooh!
CCrow
I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path!
Ahh... .
Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache?
CCrow
Uh... .I dunno.
Okay, let's see here. [writes] "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this?
[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]
Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass.
Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom?
I dunno.
Okay, let's see... . [writes] "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." [aside whisper] Man should be in a straitjacket! [addresses Gypsy] Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one?
[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]
Gypsy: Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all.
Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God?
I dunno.
CCrow
Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?
Um... .I don't know.
[Short but awkward silence]
I'm kidding, of course.
[Commercial sign]
We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know.
[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie] Jim's crazy-
CCrow
And stupid.
-crazy for accusing his par~ents!
S5Operation Double 007
[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
[singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
CCrow
[singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
[singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!
[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]
All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.
[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]
TMr. Thayer
Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
Nothing has happened...
[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]
Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors?
Joel, none of us having working arms.
I know.
S5The Girl in Lovers Lane
[Singing to the opening credits theme]
The Girl in Lover's Lane...
CCrow
With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!
[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
BBix
That's a good idea.
SAServo [as Bix]
You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
JAJoel [as Danny]
We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know-- d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix -- decidin' when ta eat?
CACrow [as Bix]
Shut up, Danny.
JAJoel [as Danny]
Oh.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.