[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
SAServo [as TV announcer]
Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...
“The Painted Hills” · Season 5
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (11), Tom Servo (7), Joel Robinson (6), Narrator (6)
[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]
Ah, spring!
CACrow [as Narrator]
Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
You know, people were whiter back then.
When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
CCrow
Underpants.
...Love.
CCrow
Oh.
[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Look at that hair!
CCrow
[defensively] I like her hair!
And that blouse!
CCrow
[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Those... n-nose.
. . .
CCrow
We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
CACrow [as young man]
Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes--
SAServo [as the Narrator]
Is immoral.
--is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
CCrow
Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
CCrow
Skin sucks.
One of these is cleansing cream.
SAServo [as Narrator]
One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.
[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
And so... the end of a perfect day.
JAJoel [as Narrator]
An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
And you...
JAJoel [as Narrator]
Jezebel!
...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
CACrow [as Narrator]
And remember--when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.
[As we fade out...]
KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
CCrow
You're next!
[A few more names appear]
[sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!
The Painted Hills (movie)
[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]
Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna be true bored men after this...
CCrow
Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?
JJonathan
Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
CACrow [as Jonathan]
But enough vernacular...
TTaylor
Never mind the dog, Tommy...
SAServo [as Taylor]
Here's the Sex Pistols.
[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]
How did that corral get there?
CCrow
They used CorelDraw.
[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]
CCrow
Mount Rushmore!...Before it was built.
[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]
JAJoel [as Taylor]
Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.
[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]
CCrow
So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.