Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.
Hey, Jim. What's that?
JJim
Meetin' of the student council.
MAMike [as Jim]
They're hangin' you in effigy.
S5Cheating (short)
You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.
Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?
Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?
Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?
Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?
Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
CCrow
Uh, the Beatles!
You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?
Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.
Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.
Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!
Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?
CCrow
[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?
Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?
Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts?
So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?
Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.
[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.
We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]
CCrow
Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?
Should we listen? We're shunning him.
No, we should listen.
Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
CCrow
: If it pleases the court?
[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]
CCrow
: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.
You know, it's really true.
CCrow
Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.
Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]
CCrow
If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--
[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--
CCrow
...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.
Can we just kill him now??
CCrow
Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--
HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!
DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!
CCrow
And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.
Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.
CCrow
Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]
I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!
S5The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)
[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]
Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman.
S5The Atomic Brain (movie)
[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]
So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
I don't know...
S5Last Clear Chance (short)
[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]
CCrow
Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!
Save some for me!
[A pink car can be seen]
Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car.
Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die.
I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes...
[The picture suddenly loses focus and moves up and down for a second]
...but I just couldn't do it.
CACrow [as Patrolman]
Because of the tear in the sprocket holes.
I could say goodbye from here.
SAServo [as Patrolman]
GOODBYE!
Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long.
CACrow [as Betty]
When will we be getting married?
SAServo [as Frank Jr.]
Before too long.
Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others.
CCrow
"All Nude Girls".
"Whites Only".
...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way.
[An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]
CCrow
The paid assassin cruising through town.
And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
That's what they say.
[after a long lecture on how small mistakes can lead to catastrophes, the accident approaches with Frank Jr. turning around completely in his car seat to wave at his brother behind him, and keeping this up for nearly a minute without paying any attention to the road ahead]
SAServo [as Frank Jr.]
Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things!
Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami.
[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich] AAAHHHHH!!!
CCrow
Why don't they look?
Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy!
[sticks lint into his eye] AAHHHHH!!!!
CCrow
Why don't they-- [Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again] Why don't they look?
Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until...
[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face] AHHHHH!!!
CCrow
Why don't they--
Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! [wanders off, muttering]
Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.