“Cheating (short)” quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.

Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?

Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?

Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?

Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?

Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?

Uh, the Beatles!

You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?

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Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.

Tom

Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.

Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!

Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?

[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?

Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?

Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts?

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So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?

Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.

[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.

We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]

Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?

Should we listen? We're shunning him.

No, we should listen.

Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.

: If it pleases the court?

[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]

: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.

You know, it's really true.

Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.

Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]

If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--

[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--

...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.

Can we just kill him now??

Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--

HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!

DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!

And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.

Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.

Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.

The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]