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S5

Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 5

Gypsy, Mike and others in “Cheating (short)”

So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?

Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.

[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.

We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]

Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?

Should we listen? We're shunning him.

No, we should listen.

Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.

: If it pleases the court?

[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]

: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.

You know, it's really true.

Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.

Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]

If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--

[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--

...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.

Can we just kill him now??

Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--

HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!

DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!

And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.

Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.

Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.

The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]

I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!

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