[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]
Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.
[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]
Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Happy Birthday, Wanda June.
[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
NANarrator [as Announcer]
And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
CACrow [as Announcer]
Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
WWoman
Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
SCServo, Crow [as Crowd]
Give us Cyd Charisse!
While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
SAServo [as Announcer]
Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
MAMike [as Announcer]
Co-starring Tom Bosley.
CACrow [as Announcer]
As Bosley.
[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]
SAServo [as Announcer]
With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
. . .
SAServo [as Announcer]
With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
. . .
MAMike [as Narrator]
Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
. . .
The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
The Schick electric razor car!
. . .
Costume by Emilio of Capri!
MAMike [as Narrator]
Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
SAServo [as Announcer]
...in The Honeymooners!
[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]
CACrow [as the cars "expression"]
GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
. . .
MAMike [as Narrator]
Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.
[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]
MAMike [as Mystery Man]
Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
WWoman
[singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
[singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
MAMike [as Mystery Man]
That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.
[As the short ends, the Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]
Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]
12 to the Moon (movie)
[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]
SAServo [as Jerry Lewis]
Lady!
CACrow [as Jerry Lewis]
Hey, lady!
MAMike [as Jerry Lewis]
Hey, down here, lady!
SAServo [as Jerry Lewis]
Love this lady.
[Over the opening title]
CACrow [as Jackie Gleason]
Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!
[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]
Wow, I think I'm in this!
[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]
SGSecretary General
At this moment...
CACrow [as Secretary General]
I may die!
SGSecretary General
... over two billion people...
SAServo [as Secretary General]
... have been served.
SGSecretary General
… in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
MAMike [as Secretary General]
... and my rump.
SGSecretary General
Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
SAServo [as Secretary General]
... dolphin-safe!
SGSecretary General
... international territory.
CACrow [as Secretary General]
... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
SGSecretary General
God be with you.
[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]
HDr. Hamid
Allah be praised!
ODr. Orlov
Praise the ship, not Allah.
SAServo [as Hamid]
I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie] Liar! Liar! Liar!
[Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]
The audience is frankly stunned.
[Jimmy is found not guilty of murdering crime boss Blake after explaining the whole story in court, but instead sentenced to probation under his family's care for his complecancy in Blake's string of robberies]
[as Jimmy] Thank God I'm white!
S5Body Care and Grooming (short)
Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.
I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.
Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,
And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.
Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.
Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!
Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.
A spitting contest! :[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]
Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!
