Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the USS Enterprise?
The USS Compromise.
S13H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come
[as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm]
You know, I do the same thing when I can't get "Baby Shark" out of my head either.
S13The Mask
MMax
Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills.
Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin.
MMax
I just thought, because it's Halloween and all-
You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up!
MMax
Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you.
Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of the special?
MMax
I never get that far, because it's too scary!
[when the Warner Brothers logo appears]
Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater?
JMJim Moran
I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits.
JAJonah [as Jim Moran]
And goofy ghosts.
JMJim Moran
[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask] But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask...
CCrow
The Misfits logo!
JMJim Moran
... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies.
JAJonah [as Jim Moran]
Or a Klondike bar.
ABDr. Allan Barnes
Exactly what is this mask?
MRMichael Radin
[under duress] The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power.
GAGPC [as Michael]
It's toxic mask-ulinity.
[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]
For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist.
CACrow [as bobblehead]
Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye...
[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]
SAServo [as Mrs. Kelly]
Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? [Mrs. Kelly opens the door] Michael where are- oh! [Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]
[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]
He died doing what he loved: jazz hands.
[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!
CCrow
Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum?
[shot of a skull with its eyes]
Ack ack! Ack ack ack!
[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]
Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my!
Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust.
CACrow [as Pam]
Like Jake, from Statefarm.
BDr. Barnes
Trust? There's no one I can trust.
SAServo [as Dr. Barnes]
Not even Flo from Progressive.
This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses.
[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]
CCrow
Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask.
Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks.
Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits.
CCrow
Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today.
Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan?
[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]
CACrow [as Dr. Barnes]
I can't hear you! I'm a book now!
The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you?
[singing] There's a hunger inside you...
And when you put it on again, what will it be like?
[singing] Won't go away...
Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body?
CCrow
It's grease lightning!
Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?!
BDr. Barnes
Shut up, SHUT UP!
SAServo [as Dr. Barnes]
You're killing me with this Word Jazz!
Tell me I'm not right.
JAJonah [as Hank Hill]
That Pam ain't right.
[on the phone] Police department, please.
SAServo [as Pam]
Yes, I'm white.
S13The Bubble
Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry.
Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff Manos.
Ardy?
AArdy
Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment.
So on a scale from Mitchell to Monsters-a-Go-Go, where would you say this lands?
AArdy
Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around Manos: The Hands of Fate and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies.
You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch Manos. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is The Bubble. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE!
AArdy
Movie in the hole!
[as Catherine enters labor]
MMark
I don't know what to do.
You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache.
Is it?
Oh God, this one's king-sized!
MMark
Honey, I'm sorry.
CCrow
It's too late for that.
What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator.
MMark
Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot.
SAServo [as Mark]
According to Craigslist.
Better be a hell of an obstetrician.
MMark
No... just hold it in, please?
JAJoel [as Mark]
Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.