Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 11 quotes

It's as if he's willing himself to die.

We'll have what he's having!

Oh, More Carnival Magic? No!

Servo

Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of Carnival Magic sequels, though when More Carnival Magic finally came out, it was titled 2 Magic 2 Carnival.

Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, Carnival Magic 3: Return of the Girl in the Car.

Servo

Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the prequels. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp.

And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats.

Servo

They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company.

Oh yeah, the whole Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe. At that point, the whole Carnival Magic movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the Carnival Magic toy lines.

Servo

But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with Carnival Magic Begins and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place.

I had no idea there were so many of these movies.

Servo

Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio?

And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane.

Servo

True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency."

"All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors."

Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic.

Servo

Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful.

They tried a couple of disaster movies- Tornado, and The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out.

Servo

And of course the romantic comedies Van Rockers, and Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat.

I kind of liked the action movies he did: Maximum Towage.

Servo

Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension.

Guys, were any of these movies real?

Servo

Of course not, Jonah!

I don't even think Carnival Magic was real, and we just watched it!

That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now?

Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho!

No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas.

Servo

Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos.

I must be seeing things.

Charles Darwin?

Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.

Are you saying I'm fat?!

I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.

That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!

I'm off the clock.

Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year?

Yeah, what's his dill?

When's the rent due, Santa?

Christmas Eve at midnight.

Doesn't leave you much time, does it?

That's why I came all the way down here to find you.

Why me? I'm nobody special.

Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.

So did a million other children.

That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's.

Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you!

How much do you owe, Santa?

Oh no, I couldn't...

Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?

[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.

This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.

800 candy canes a day???

[perplexed] That much...?

You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!

Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.

Servo

A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.

Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune!

Servo

The T stands for "the"?

That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?!

[dramatic gasp]

I object!

Objection overruled!

Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this.

Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this.

But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store!

What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House???

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?!

Why? Why? [a passerby walks by] Merry Christmas!

Please, please sir, you'll catch cold!

Merry Christmas!

I think you mean "Happy Holidays".

[singing] Why can't every day be Christmas?

I don't know!

Why can't every day be gay?

That's a loaded question.

[upon seeing a stream locomotive] I wonder if the conductor is Ringo Starr or George Carlin.

What an extraordinary sky!

What a strange color, Doc.

This cannot be the Rhondda Valley.

I think it's Tim Burton's backyard.