CCrow
So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah.
S11Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II
TTyor
You will no longer breathe the air of a free man.
[Loki laughs]
Robert Blake in Lost Highway.
TTyor
By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone!
He's making all this up as he goes along.
TTyor
Oomen, kauai, tenk!
SAServo [as Loki]
Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City.
[Loki is turned to stone]
Alright, take him to Jabba.
TTyor
Now his garden is complete.
CCrow
YEEEAAAH!!! CSI: Miami!
[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]
SAServo [as thief]
Prepare for my overhand! [attack is blocked]
CACrow [as thief]
Or how about my overhand! [attack is blocked again]
JAJonah [as thief]
No? Well try my OVERHAND! [blocked again]
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
OVERHAND! [blocked] OVERHAND! [blocked]
SAServo [as thief]
You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— [bandit uses the same attack again] PSYCH! Overhand! [blocked again]
DDonar
[capturing Freyja] Who gave him the sword?
JAJonah [as Donar]
And where's your hall pass?
DDonar
You die with the dawn.
FFreyja
He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache!
CCrow
We all do, trust us.
TTyor
[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja] If I take you with me, what do I get?
FFreyja
[seductively] Anything.
SAServo [as Tyor]
Can I keep these cool rubber snakes?
TTyor
That's what I was afraid of.
[music cue]
JAJonah [as Tyor]
The band is illustrating my sexual confusion.
S11Carnival Magic
[as the title card partially appears]
Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you!
CCrow
Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh.
[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]
Carnival Man.
Carnival Magnum, P.I.
Off the O. Henry story.
CCrow
Oh, Carnival Magi- oh, Carnival Magic, I knew it the whole time, guys.
[Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"]
CCrow
Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car.
[Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo]
Now stop playing this is serious.
I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing.
When you're right, you're right.
This isn't the first time it's happened, you know.
We agreed not to talk about that.
You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much.
I blame Facebook.
We can try to stay clear of people, but...
They're everywhere, right?
... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again.
You mean when we ride the comet?
You know, I need time to myself too, you know.
Of course, master. Forgive me.
But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster.
Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry.
People are suspicious of things they don't understand.
Right, like the thing with the chicken.
And that's why I'm hiding you.
That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber.
But it's very hard to keep the world out.
I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. [returns to his seat]
CCrow
What was that all about?
Hell if I know.
He's got Kirk.
BBud
Kirk is not the answer anymore.
Picard?
Alex...
I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200.
...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through.
What stage of grief is chimp-play?
But we're broke...
CACrow [as Markov]
Your Beanie Baby obsession destroyed us.
And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you.
Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really.
CCarnie
Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir...
JAJonah [as Toby Radloff/Comic Book Guy]
Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on...
[as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women]
Come on, guys. That's not cool.
CCrow
But you dance all the time!
That's my private time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?!
[Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back]
Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car!
[Alex starts the car up]
Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.
Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?!
CCrow
Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's a girl in a car, but is she the girl in the car?
[Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass]
Police cars don't work on grass!
Unless you got powuh! [laughs goofily]
[during a random car chase]
CACrow [as Officer 1]
Breaker, breaker, we got a Carnival Magic in progress.
SAServo [as Officer 2]
Uh, Carnival Magic? What's that?
CACrow [as Officer 1]
That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks.
SAServo [as Officer 2]
Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters.
CACrow [as Officer 1]
Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it, thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended.
SAServo [as Officer 2]
Yeah, exactly. Carnival Magic.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.