Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.
CACrow [as Narrator]
… and Escobar here.
Assignment: Venezuela (short)
[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]
CACrow [as Wife]
I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"
[Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.]
SAServo [as Wife]
[in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
MAMike [as Narrator]
It's called Venezuelalization.
I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.
MAMike [as Narrator]
I think it was Zorro or something.
Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars
[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]
You know that puppet does his own stunts.
CCrow
Does he really?
I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV.
[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]
LCLunar Controller
They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once.
OOrson
Yes, sir.
LCLunar Controller
What they have seen must never get back to Earth. Bring them here.
SCaptain Scarlet
[entering the room] There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth.
LCLunar Controller
Arrest me? You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth.
SCaptain Scarlet
We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed.
LCLunar Controller
No. You will never leave the moon alive. Any of you.
SCaptain Scarlet
SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth.
LCLunar Controller
Don't waste your breath.
SSID
A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three.
LCLunar Controller
No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits!
SCaptain Scarlet
Come on.
[imitating a seal] Get it? Seal? ... never mind.
LCLunar Controller
SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them!
[Captain Blue knocks out Orson]
BCaptain Blue
Let's go!
LCLunar Controller
[standing in front of SID] I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!
[imitating a seal again]
Okay, I get it...
SCaptain Scarlet
It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you.
I figured you would.
SCaptain Scarlet
I changed recognition disks with you last night.
LCLunar Controller
[getting desperate] SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!
SSID
I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that.
LCLunar Controller
Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS!
SSID
I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that.
...
LCLunar Controller
[pointing a gun at SID] This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits!
SSID
I am sorry. Your recognition disk- [Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically] I... AM... SORRY...
...
LCLunar Controller
[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base] Obey! OBEY!!!
Alright already!
CCrow
You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o.
[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]
SSID
I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...
I'm sorry you two had to see that.
CCrow
It wasn't pretty.
I'm all choked up.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth)
[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]
Mornin', Mike!
[exhausted] Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? [drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]
Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven.
[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face] And sweet yams?
Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! [Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk] Here's a hard-copy! [gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading] The Cubs lost again.
[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches] Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm?
No, Tom. Everything appears nominal.
Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be?
[listens to the sound/noise] Yeah, what is that?
Yeah, what is that, hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is not something you should be hearing. Something's causing this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Where's Crow? Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand!
[Turning to Gypsy, alerted] Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him!
Roger! [familiar Commercial Sign alarm is active]
[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance basement bay, inevitably making yet another escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]
CCrow
[singing It's a Long Way to Tipperary] It's a long way to tipperary... [*Thunk!*] To the sweetest girl I know...! [*Thunk!*] Goodbye to Noah Beery... [*Thunk!*] Hello Harold LLOOOOOOYD...! [*Thunk!*]
[O.S.] Crow!
CCrow
Huh?
Crow, listen, you gotta stop!
CCrow
Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! [*Thunk!*]
[hovering down] Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space!
CCrow
Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! [*Thunk!*] [continues singing]
[quickly rushes to Crow] Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]
[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life] WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
CCrow
Woah, I didn't expect this!
Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... Stabilize! There, that should do it— [gets sucked towards hole] WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]
CCrow
Wow, this is confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
CCrow
Thank you! Wow, look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined! Hah!
[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]
[screaming] WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! [*Sproing!*] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]
SERVO!
[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]
[impressed and satisfied] Attaboy, Servo!
CCrow
I won't do that again!
. . .
Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts.
CCrow
Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway.
Now, here you go. [pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]
[upsettingly] Aw, darn!
[*Ding! Ding! DING! DING!*]
It's time! Dr. F is calling for you!
[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]
Ah! Mike! Robots! I'm feeling particularly evil, because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called This Island Earth! You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently!
Uh, sure, we have! Last week!
No, no, no. I think that was more of a curtsy of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... NOW? [cuts off life support systems]
Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— [starts choking]
[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]
. . .
CCrow
[panicking] Bowing, sir!
[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]
[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]
Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez!
CCrow
What a dickweed!
Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go?
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[dejected] Yes...
Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know...
MCMike, Crow, Servo
You won't...
Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! [pulls a lever]
[*Movie Sign Alarm*]
Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN!
[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous Countdown Door Hallway that leads to the auditorium.]
F[Dr. Forrester]
[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen] ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who doesn't have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! [zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly] I am the God... I'm the God!!
This Island Earth (movie)
CCrow
Oh, who sneezed on the credits?
[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]
CCrow
Hey! You can see the Cubs losing!
[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]
What kind of shithole planet is this?!?
Court Case
Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing.
CCrow
I thought it was a burning ring.
And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this...
EAEmily [as the Narrator]
Little shorts.
The tennis ball.
CCrow
Scientific name: Tennius Ballias.
It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world.
Palm Springs?
Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light.
Like my marriage.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.