KOKid on Bike
You're not FBI agents!
How do you know?
KOKid on Bike
'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
SAServo [as Mulder]
Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.
MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review
Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
CCrow
No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.
Ever After
BDBaroness De Ghent
We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
CCrow
The First Lutheran!
. . .
BDBaroness De Ghent
Your features are so… masculine.
MAMike [as De Ghent]
You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
BDBaroness De Ghent
No wonder you're built for hard labour.
CACrow [as De Ghent]
You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.
[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]
MAMike [as Danielle]
I sneezed in my cocaine.
Halloween: H2O
CCrow
Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
Um-hmm.
Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
The Truman Show
[Truman is talking to Lauren.]
TTruman
Would you wanna--
MAMike [as Lauren]
No.
TTruman
Maybe possibly--
MAMike [as Lauren]
No!
TTruman
Sometime--
MAMike [as Lauren]
No!
TTruman
Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
MAMike [as Lauren]
Well, oka-- no!
LLauren
Yeah… I can't.
TTruman
Saturday?
LLauren
I can't.
TTruman
Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]
SAServo [as Lauren]
N-O! Th-the W is silent.
Saving Private Ryan
CUCorporal Upham
It's just that I've never-- I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
MCaptain Miller
Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
CUCorporal Upham
Yes, sir.
MAMike [as Upham]
But I shot my sergeant.
Godzilla (1998)
CCrow
Um, folks? We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of G[bleep]a. Even saying Go[bleep]la will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us?
[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]
CCrow
There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]zilla."
CCrow
Our first movie is based on a television show, which is a ridiculous notion to begin with.
MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special
[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]
MMelvin
Carol the Waitress, Simon the [audio cuts out]
Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of Talk Soup"?
Good Will Hunting
SSean
Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some [audio cuts out]in' book!
CCrow
Oh! I've read some [audio cuts out]in' book!
Assignment: Venezuela (short)
NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.
[On title screen]
I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!
[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]
The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th--
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
MAMike [as Jim]
Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
MAMike [as Narrator]
I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!
[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]
JJim
Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
SAServo [as Jim]
I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
CACrow [as Jim]
I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
MAMike [as Jim]
I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.