MMax
Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho!
No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas.
S11The Christmas That Almost Wasn't
[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]
Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos.
SSam
I must be seeing things.
Charles Darwin?
SSam
Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.
SAServo [as Santa]
Are you saying I'm fat?!
I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.
SSam
That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!
CACrow [as Santa]
I'm off the clock.
SSam
Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year?
CACrow [as Sam]
Yeah, what's his dill?
SSam
When's the rent due, Santa?
Christmas Eve at midnight.
SSam
Doesn't leave you much time, does it?
That's why I came all the way down here to find you.
SSam
Why me? I'm nobody special.
Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.
SSam
So did a million other children.
That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's.
[Sam begins laughing]
SAServo [as Sam]
Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you!
SSam
How much do you owe, Santa?
Oh no, I couldn't...
SSam
Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?
[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.
JAJonah [as Sam]
This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.
CACrow [as Sam]
800 candy canes a day???
SSam
[perplexed] That much...?
SAServo [as Sam]
You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!
...
[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]
SSam
Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.
A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.
SSam
Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune!
The T stands for "the"?
SSam
That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?!
CCrow
[dramatic gasp]
I object!
SSam
Objection overruled!
CCrow
Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this.
[as Prune spies on Sam]
Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this.
SSSuzy's Mother
But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store!
What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House???
[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
JAJonah [as Prune]
Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?!
Why? Why? [a passerby walks by] Merry Christmas!
PPasserby
Please, please sir, you'll catch cold!
[another passerby walks by]
Merry Christmas!
SAServo [as Passerby]
I think you mean "Happy Holidays".
[singing] Why can't every day be Christmas?
JAJonah [as the other person]
I don't know!
Why can't every day be gay?
CCrow
That's a loaded question.
S11At the Earth's Core
CCrow
[upon seeing a stream locomotive] I wonder if the conductor is Ringo Starr or George Carlin.
[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]
APDr. Abner Perry
What an extraordinary sky!
DIDavid Innes
What a strange color, Doc.
ADr. Abner
This cannot be the Rhondda Valley.
I think it's Tim Burton's backyard.
[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen]
We're being charged by a giant monster... movie!
ADr. Abner
[about a Rhamphorhynchus] My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow!
CCrow
[offended] Ah, that's it. I'm leaving.
[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.