[as the title card appears]
CCrow
Well, if you insist.
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
WILDERNESS!
[as Bigfoot yells for Paul in his sleep]
BBigfoot
Your father is in great danger, Paul!
SAServo [as Paul]
Sweetums, is that you???
BBigfoot
He needs your help!
CACrow [as Bigfoot]
And like ten bucks for gas money so he can get back to Albany!
BBigfoot
Hurry, Paul!
JAJonah [as Bigfoot]
I've shouted at three different boy schools! Is this the right Paul?!
DMr. Douglas
You're too old to believe in fairy tales!
GGyspy
He is? What a terrible way to find out.
[as Paul runs through the landscape near a lake away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]
SAServo [as Paul]
Ha ha, dad! Chase me! I'm precocious and filled with wonder! We are but stardust!
CCrow
You can't spell "dad" without ADD.
WWill
Paul!
JAJonah [as Will]
Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG!
[cut to them both across the lake]
Wait a minute, did they just run across that lake?
WWill
PAAAUUUL!
CCrow
BANG!
JAJonah [as Paul]
But I'm still so curious!
CCrow
BANG!
Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun.
Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... a person!
[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]
CACrow [as a raccoon]
I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this?!
SAServo [as other raccoon]
How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick!
. . .
You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN.
Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace.
[Paul's father begins to laugh]
CCrow
Don't laugh. You people are pigs.
WMr. Wagoner
You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.
WWill
All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.
WMr. Wagoner
My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em!
Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner.
JAJonah [as Sheriff]
How high, sir?
WMr. Wagoner
What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys!
JJim
You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner.
WMr. Wagoner
Make me understand.
WWill
It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with.
[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]
Ow! Geez!
WMr. Wagoner
If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]
JAJonah [as Wagoner]
Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments.
[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]
Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.
JJim
It's old Big Mike!
CACrow [as Will]
Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.
JAJonah [as Morgan]
What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.
CCrow
Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.
SAServo [as Paul]
Maybe I'll laugh later.
[Will begins laughing]
CCrow
I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.
[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!
CCrow
Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?
MMorgan
Let's keep this a secret between you and me.
CCrow
Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid.
[after a random tiger exits the cave]
CACrow [as the tiger]
I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks.
JJim
[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!
PPaul
You're nothing but a dumb Indian!
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
WHOA!
JJim
Red Hawk! Is that you?
RHRed Hawk
You remember me, don't you?
JJim
You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave.
JAJonah [as Red Hawk]
Well, Happy Easter.
RHRed Hawk
I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him]
CACrow [as a hawk]
I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police!
[during a snowy scene]
MMorgan
Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game.
WWill
What do you mean?
MMorgan
I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now!
CACrow [as Morgan]
Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine!
[As the credits roll]
Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.