Scenes with Joel Robinson 438
[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]
VValeria
You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
VValeria
Do you unduhstand, old man?
Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
VValeria
Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
JAJoel [as Jorn]
Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
VValeria
Vewy well. Towque, go now.
JAJoel [as Jorn]
Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]
[excited] Hey it's in color!
JoelYeah.
Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel
No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Why would they use cartoons?
Joel
Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]
KKorminski
Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
JCJoel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]
Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!
. . .
[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
HHubbard
That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
CACrow [as Kemp/Fawlty]
[annoyed] He's from Barcelona.
[as a rich cartoon character is chasing the two cartoon astronauts]
Joel
Hey, it's Donald Trump. He's chasing the good guys away. That doesn't make sense.
Hey, that joke has transcended time.
[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]
PPenny
Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel
What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]
Joel
What is it?
It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips!
Joel
[disappointed] Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained.
BSBob Steele
[exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew.
CSCecilia Steele Tropp
[in disbelief] Oh, no.
CACrow [as Cecilia]
Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement.
BSBob Steele
... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you?
CSCecilia Steele Tropp
No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't!
BSBob Steele
He knows every move that's made.
CSCecelia Steele Tropp
Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious.
SAServo [as Bob]
When did you start calling him Russ?
BSBob Steele
Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop!
JAJoel [as Cecilia]
It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man!
[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel
Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
SAServo [as Narrator]
And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
HHank
Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
AArtur
Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
SAServo [as Artur]
I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
HHank
… I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel
Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
CACrow [as Tour Guide]
Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
SAServo [as Scorpion]
Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
JAJoel [as Company Rep]
Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]
Joel
What happened to you?
We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened.
[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]
[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science.
[much later after Joel reads audience letters]
I think the swelling is going down.
Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner.
[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]
[as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!
[as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!
Joel
[adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.
[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]
Who's buried in Peter's grave?
Joel
James Arness!
[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]
BBruno
[of Popoca] You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces!
Joel
Bruno, stop letting hate run your life.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
