Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Ah, spring!

Filthy, shameful spring!

Joel

You know, people were whiter back then.

When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...

Underpants.

...Love.

Oh.

Look at that hair!

[defensively] I like her hair!

And that blouse!

[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!

Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!

Joel

[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...

Those... n-nose.

We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!

Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

And so... the end of a perfect day.

An entire day spent grooming.

And you...

Jezebel!

...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.

And remember--when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

Joel

KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!

You're next!

Servo

[sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!

Joel

[As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!

[Under his breath]] Corman...

Servo

[As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?

Joel

You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.

Servo

Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.

Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!

Crazy coming up in here...

...in my hallway here.

Draw, er... wait a sec!

[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!

Tom

Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?

Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?

Mitchell!

That Mitchell is one fat s--

Shut yo' mouth!

I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!

Servo

Ee-gah...

Shtemlo.

Joel

Watch out for snakes!

We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...

Mitchell, will you stand up, please?

Joel

Baby oil!

BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!

Servo

[vomiting noises]

Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?

My my my my Mitchell...

My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie] Liar! Liar! Liar!

Why did you leave me?

Joel

You told him to!

Please, hear my plea-

Servo

Not guilty!

-Where can you be?

The audience is frankly stunned.

Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.

I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.

Tom Servo,

Servo

Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,

And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.

Joel

Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.

Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!

Servo

Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.

Joel

Well, how's that?

Servo

A spitting contest! :[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]

Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!

Joel

Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.

Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.

I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!

Joel

Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

Joel

Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you?

Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point.

Joel

I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears.

[shrill-voiced] It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh-

GENTLEMEN!