A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Joel Hodgson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 542 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (294), Crow T. Robot (271), Narrator (42)
[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]
Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
JoelEarly tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
There's something you don't see every day.
JoelWhat's that?
A farmer with all his limbs!
[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]
A complicated system of irrigation is used.
JoelOh, real complicated.
Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.
[During Jimmy's trial...]
Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
...but I'm Esther Rolle!
But... I accuse my parents!
[Everyone applauds.]
Yes! We have a title!
[singing] Are you happy...
Define "happy!"
...In your work...
JoelOh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...
[Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]
The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of!
JoelReally, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome!
Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing.
JoelWhy? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only one Tom Servo!
I want to run and jump and skin my knees!
You don't have any legs.
I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole.
Your arms don't even work.
[starting to become forlorn] I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings!
[bluntly] You'll get beat up, because you're a freak.
[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him] Oh; now I know I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking.
JoelOkay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project?
Mm-hmm.
Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh?
JoelWell, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... .
[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]
Huh.
That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww!
Ooh!
I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path!
Ahh... .
JoelUh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache?
Uh... .I dunno.
JoelOkay, let's see here. [writes] "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this?
[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]
Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass.
JoelUh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom?
I dunno.
JoelOkay, let's see... . [writes] "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." [aside whisper] Man should be in a straitjacket! [addresses Gypsy] Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one?
[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]
Gypsy: Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all.
JoelOh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God?
I dunno.
Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?
JoelUm... .I don't know.
[Short but awkward silence]
JoelI'm kidding, of course.
[Commercial sign]
JoelWe'll be right back. I do know! I really do know.
[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
Joel[singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
[singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
[singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!
[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]
Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
JoelNothing has happened...
[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]
JoelAlright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors?
Joel, none of us having working arms.
JoelI know.
[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
That's a good idea.
You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know-- d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix -- decidin' when ta eat?
Shut up, Danny.
Oh.
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
[to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
[singing]
[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]
I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her!
You loved her?! [throws a punch to Bix's jaw]
[as Carrie's Father] That's great!
She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself!
Joel[sarcastically] Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis.
[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
JoelIs this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.