Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time.

Those things still cost money, right?

Thing's older than I am.

Still works harder.

Says the drunk guy.

As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I thought I was hired for.

Well I thought I needed a jaded barista.

We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you.

It helped that I was the only applicant.

Joel

Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.

Now what can I do for you miss...

Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine.

Miss Fontaine.

Call me Lilah.

So, Karen...

Leslie...

Sandy...

Any relation to Charles Fontaine?

He's my father.

Let me stop you there.

Tony.

I don't do missing persons.

I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest.

Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check.

Because Nick don't do math.

What's The Stranger planning?

Joel

Stranger Things?

Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination.

Hmmm... dragons.

That's all I know. Now can I go?

Sure, do you need your parking validated?

[after Nick startles her] I'm starting to see why you're single.

Pretty cool, huh?

[surprised] ... Wow.

Servo

Yeah, a real, live woman.

Pretty niiice!

Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry.

Joel

Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff Manos.

Ardy?

Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment.

So on a scale from Mitchell to Monsters-a-Go-Go, where would you say this lands?

Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around Manos: The Hands of Fate and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies.

You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch Manos. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is The Bubble. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE!

Movie in the hole!

I don't know what to do.

You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache.

Joel

Is it?

Oh God, this one's king-sized!

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's too late for that.

What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator.

Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot.

According to Craigslist.

Better be a hell of an obstetrician.

No... just hold it in, please?

Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere.

By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric?

Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him.

What?!

Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot.

That's it! A movie lot, big deal.

Yeah, of course.

That explains everything.

The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts...

This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better.

But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony.

Friend, all I want is the exit.

One of these warp pipes should get us out of here.

Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane.

Servo

All I want's the end credits.

Servo

You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time.

Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective.

Joel

That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's The Bubble."

Servo

But, we are watching Arch Oboler's The Bubble, and that's pretty bad.

Joel

Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows.

Look, isn't it about time?

Servo

Uh-oh...

That you face reality?

Joel

Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom.

Reality? What reality?

You're soaking in it.

That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo.

Servo

You make it sound so metal.

I'd rather be in that nightmare.

Joel

This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married.

In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year?

But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of-

Since when haven't I been under an eye?

As a child.

As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job.

Then came army school.

When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore.

Servo

The end!

Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place?

Dull.

The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate.

Joel

And entertainment.

Yeah, even the bomb.

Whoa, that's heavy.

They're walking dead!

Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing.

We're chill.

We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security.

Thanks to ADT.

Well what's wrong with that?

I... I look up there... and I think to myself...

What a bubbleful world!

It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE BUBBLE IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! [runs out of the theater]

Wonder what he wanted.

Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it.

But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water.

What do you think you're going to catch?

Servo

Lyme disease.

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls.

Oh man, guys look, they sleighed the dragon.

Joel

Oh, that's neat.

Oh, come on, Emily...

The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL!

Eat tinsel, bastards!

Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight!

Ho ho ho!