Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Did you study your spelling last night?

Uh, dog ate it.

Uh, yes, yes!

Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful."

Joel

Let me hear you spell "patronize."

Beautiful... ah yes...

Will this be on the final?

S-L-...

B-E...

A-V...

[struggling] A... U...

E-R-Y.

T... I-F-U-L.

That's wonderful!

Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism.

However strong we may feel...

Our bones are very brittle.

... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions.

Like love.

When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class.

To do the technicolor yarn.

To blow chow.

To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne.

To summon the earl.

Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees.

Then we follow with an abdominal incision...

And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots.

We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity...

Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing.

We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue...

Which should be whipped into stiff peaks.

Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit...

But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a wonderful meal.

Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science.

Servo

What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all!

Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery...

Where we'll meet for bars and punch.

Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault.

Servo

These are the battered faces of men in their 40s.

He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field.

You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet!

Good morning, sir.

There are no good mornings here.

I'll decide if it's a good morning, or not.

What was your name?

What was my name? You mean, sir, I'm... finished? All washed up?

86'd? Hasta luego, buckwheat?

Well that depends on the evidence. Uh, your name?

Deep six out of here?

Joseph Doakes, sir.

Joseph Doakes... [begins shifting through papers] ...Doakes.

Funny name.

Huh... Joseph Doakes... let's see, there's Dickweed, Dog, Dumbsh- Ah, here it is...

After that, I never had any trouble with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.

Nursing homes though? Whoa!

You see, your honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.

And if his wife ever found out...

Yes. We're all that way when it gets close to home. A pity they don't always drive as though their own families were in danger.

You make me sick!

Joel

[as Judge] Hang on, you'll want to see this.

Servo

[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents] And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey...

[as Joe] I'm so ashamed.

Joel

[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim] Looks like Nixon's enemy list.

[as Judge] Hurts, doesn't it?

By the way, did he ever drive when he'd been drinking?

Oh boy, I need my other scroll for that. That's a doozy.

[hesitant] Well, sir... he-

Guardian! I want the whole. Truth.

So help me, me!

Well sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker, just a cocktail now and then...

Just a half-gallon now and then.

You know how the boys are, your honor.

Yes, I know how the boys are...

And I know where the boys are.

I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two" drinkers.

Jerks wouldn't let me in their club.

Drivers and pedestrians too. Dead ones.

Big ones.

"Just a cocktail or two..."

Phooey!

Any abnormal, physical, or mental condition due to drinking liquor...

Is monotonous!

...is intoxication in this state! A careless driver or pedestrian is usually pretty careless...

Servo

Wow, he's preachy...

...regarding the other fellow's rights and safety, but as to his own safety and wellbeing, he's downright selfish!

Pah!

Now dilute that dangerous frame of mind, with "just a cocktail or two..."

Servo

Oh, okay! Thanks! I'll take a scotch.

...and he even forgets about his own safety. That is one of the reasons why...

Joel

Is this gonna be on the final?

[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate?

Oh; I never hit-and-run.

Joel

[as Judge] Well, that changes everything!

If you did, then you'd be booked in- [Angel clears his throat]

Servo

In phlegm?

-in a lower court.

Servo

Oh.

You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it.

[as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta-

I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver...

Joel

[as Judge] Now how is he as a cocktail waitress?

...how is he as a pedestrian?

Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he knew he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze.

Servo

[as Angel] Squeaking, and calling himself Algernon!

Servo

Lippert? Oh, yikes!

Joel

Mars is extending us a welcome!

Servo

French-fried potatoes!

[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova] If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. [Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully] On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City.

[as Dr. Gordon] I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word.

[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation] The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet.

Servo

Yes, it's not very polite.

Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas.

Joel

And she's cute too.

Servo

Whoa; is Cookie the Clown on the premises again?

Joel

[smoke pours from the rocket] A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie.

A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria...

Was superimposed.

...was completely unfamiliar.

Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count...

Joel, I'm tripping!

Joel

No, it's just a photo-processed...

...less than a tolerable percentage.

Temperature...

Expletive deleted. 18 minutes was deleted from this tape. I am not a crook.

Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive...

Or any good at all...

...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova.

Joel

The end.

Aw, they taped over the Beatles Berlin tapes.

What time would you say it is?

Uh, it's time to kill something.

[looking at a flock of birds] I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here.

Judging by those birds.

...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth.

Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark.

Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet.

Servo

[to the "dinosaur"] Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey?

Joel

[as Joey] No!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here!