“X Marks the Spot (short)” quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[as Joe's Angel] Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.

Servo

[as Judge] Dear Diary... it's hard being God.

Good morning, sir.

There are no good mornings here.

I'll decide if it's a good morning, or not.

What was your name?

What was my name? You mean, sir, I'm... finished? All washed up?

86'd? Hasta luego, buckwheat?

Well that depends on the evidence. Uh, your name?

Deep six out of here?

Joseph Doakes, sir.

Joseph Doakes... [begins shifting through papers] ...Doakes.

Funny name.

Huh... Joseph Doakes... let's see, there's Dickweed, Dog, Dumbsh- Ah, here it is...

[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court] I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble...

[as the Angel] But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!".

After that, I never had any trouble with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.

Nursing homes though? Whoa!

You see, your honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.

And if his wife ever found out...

Yes. We're all that way when it gets close to home. A pity they don't always drive as though their own families were in danger.

You make me sick!

Joel

[as Judge] Hang on, you'll want to see this.

Servo

[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents] And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey...

[as Joe] I'm so ashamed.

Joel

[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim] Looks like Nixon's enemy list.

[as Judge] Hurts, doesn't it?

By the way, did he ever drive when he'd been drinking?

Oh boy, I need my other scroll for that. That's a doozy.

[hesitant] Well, sir... he-

Guardian! I want the whole. Truth.

So help me, me!

Well sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker, just a cocktail now and then...

Just a half-gallon now and then.

You know how the boys are, your honor.

Yes, I know how the boys are...

And I know where the boys are.

I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two" drinkers.

Jerks wouldn't let me in their club.

Drivers and pedestrians too. Dead ones.

Big ones.

"Just a cocktail or two..."

Phooey!

Any abnormal, physical, or mental condition due to drinking liquor...

Is monotonous!

...is intoxication in this state! A careless driver or pedestrian is usually pretty careless...

Servo

Wow, he's preachy...

...regarding the other fellow's rights and safety, but as to his own safety and wellbeing, he's downright selfish!

Pah!

Now dilute that dangerous frame of mind, with "just a cocktail or two..."

Servo

Oh, okay! Thanks! I'll take a scotch.

...and he even forgets about his own safety. That is one of the reasons why...

Joel

Is this gonna be on the final?

[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate?

Oh; I never hit-and-run.

Joel

[as Judge] Well, that changes everything!

If you did, then you'd be booked in- [Angel clears his throat]

Servo

In phlegm?

-in a lower court.

Servo

Oh.

You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it.

[as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta-

I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver...

Joel

[as Judge] Now how is he as a cocktail waitress?

...how is he as a pedestrian?

Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he knew he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze.

Servo

[as Angel] Squeaking, and calling himself Algernon!

[musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"] Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? Can I make a difference?

Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. [jaunty contemplative music plays] What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I can do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... [adressing the viewers] We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and then watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me.

[continuing] Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, you do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to you. And now we've got Commercial Sign. [as he calms himself down and the music fades out] Oh, the pain, the pain... [sighs]