Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

[as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation] Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb.

Joel

[in a sing-song voice] Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide!

Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up.

Thanks for annihilating everything I know!

Servo

You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized?

Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb.

Servo

Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth.

Well, we've done it.

Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright?

We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova.

Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film.

Let's go home.

Joel

Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids.

Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind.

Servo

And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

Joel

It's a twister!

Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto!

Servo

Toto too?

It's not the wind, it's a men's choir.

[seeing his "mother" running away] There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away?

Could be your breath.

Joel

Maybe you're mistaken?

Servo

Maybe it's a trap.

Servo

Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling really good!

Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a Fugitive Alien sequel, we're in for the two most painful hours of our lives! [Servo begins crying]

Joel

Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now.

A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star...

Servo

[crying] We know...

... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part...

Seen it!

Servo

Taped it! [cries more]

Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion...

Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes.

Ken will never forget her.

Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh?

Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you!

I'm the Unsinkable Molly Brown!

IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!!

Joel

Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow!

Joel

TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him!

A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]

Joel

Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo!

But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! [breaking character] Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]

Joel

Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance!

[sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know...

Servo

New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series!

Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately.

Servo

Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks!

Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep.

Flask and travel bar not included.

Servo

Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial.

Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink!

Servo

Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him.

Tax and license not included.

Servo

You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe.

Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate!

Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House!

Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life.

Servo

And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always...

[singing] Try to kill him with a forklift!

Servo

[singing to the film's score] Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare...

Joel

[starting to get annoyed] That's good... that's plenty.

Servo

Sorry.

[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky.

Again?

Servo

Oh-hooo, hit him.

[calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me?

Again?

Joel

... stop it.

Rocky!

AGAIN?

Joel

[snapping] STOP IT!

Joel

Where have I seen this before?

Servo

Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?

Yeah...

Joel

Yep.

Servo

And, we'll be right back, right after this. Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Spike Meta-Monster set, some pieces not included, astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get: 500 Japanese light infantry (valuepartsmaynotbemissing), 36 helpless individuals, 20 tanks, 15 rifles, 24 bazooka gun runners, 18 ambulance chasers,12 fighters (setnotincluded), 16 helicopter parts, 200 shooting crossers, 19 fighting clowns, 6 geese a' layin', 24 Mohawk Indians, and much, much, much more! And now recieve it at half the extra value with this defining monster action pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain. Solid rubber Barugon comes with ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage). Act Now! Act Often and snap on the entire "TOKYO METROPOLITAN AREA" (some parts may not exist). Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Kurobe dam (smaller than shown). Trample the add on "HAPLESS CITIZEN" Play set, then abhor the action with the fabulous "ANTI-WAR PROTEST Pack."But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the "LIGHTS!, GAMERA!, ACTION!" series. There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shaved Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall Apart Voodoo Kenny. Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain. Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim! Please wear rubber underwear! Some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mmmmmmommy! Mommy! Momm-mmmph! [Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]

Joel

Let's not do that again, okay? We'll be right back.

Servo

[collapses into big, healthy, frightened tears as Joel consoles him]