Angel quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court] I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble...

[as the Angel] But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!".

After that, I never had any trouble with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.

Nursing homes though? Whoa!

You see, your honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.

And if his wife ever found out...

Yes. We're all that way when it gets close to home. A pity they don't always drive as though their own families were in danger.

You make me sick!

By the way, did he ever drive when he'd been drinking?

Oh boy, I need my other scroll for that. That's a doozy.

[hesitant] Well, sir... he-

Guardian! I want the whole. Truth.

So help me, me!

Well sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker, just a cocktail now and then...

Just a half-gallon now and then.

You know how the boys are, your honor.

Yes, I know how the boys are...

And I know where the boys are.

I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two" drinkers.

Jerks wouldn't let me in their club.

Drivers and pedestrians too. Dead ones.

Big ones.

"Just a cocktail or two..."

Phooey!

Any abnormal, physical, or mental condition due to drinking liquor...

Is monotonous!

...is intoxication in this state! A careless driver or pedestrian is usually pretty careless...

Servo

Wow, he's preachy...

...regarding the other fellow's rights and safety, but as to his own safety and wellbeing, he's downright selfish!

Pah!

Now dilute that dangerous frame of mind, with "just a cocktail or two..."

Servo

Oh, okay! Thanks! I'll take a scotch.

...and he even forgets about his own safety. That is one of the reasons why...

Joel

Is this gonna be on the final?

I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver...

Joel

[as Judge] Now how is he as a cocktail waitress?

...how is he as a pedestrian?

Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he knew he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze.

Servo

[as Angel] Squeaking, and calling himself Algernon!