By the way, did he ever drive when he'd been drinking?
Oh boy, I need my other scroll for that. That's a doozy.
[hesitant] Well, sir... he-
Guardian! I want the whole. Truth.
So help me, me!
Well sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker, just a cocktail now and then...
Just a half-gallon now and then.
You know how the boys are, your honor.
Yes, I know how the boys are...
And I know where the boys are.
I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two" drinkers.
Jerks wouldn't let me in their club.
Drivers and pedestrians too. Dead ones.
Big ones.
"Just a cocktail or two..."
Phooey!
Any abnormal, physical, or mental condition due to drinking liquor...
Is monotonous!
...is intoxication in this state! A careless driver or pedestrian is usually pretty careless...
Wow, he's preachy...
...regarding the other fellow's rights and safety, but as to his own safety and wellbeing, he's downright selfish!
Pah!
Now dilute that dangerous frame of mind, with "just a cocktail or two..."
Oh, okay! Thanks! I'll take a scotch.
...and he even forgets about his own safety. That is one of the reasons why...
Is this gonna be on the final?
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.


