Joe quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Good morning, sir.

There are no good mornings here.

I'll decide if it's a good morning, or not.

What was your name?

What was my name? You mean, sir, I'm... finished? All washed up?

86'd? Hasta luego, buckwheat?

Well that depends on the evidence. Uh, your name?

Deep six out of here?

Joseph Doakes, sir.

Joseph Doakes... [begins shifting through papers] ...Doakes.

Funny name.

Huh... Joseph Doakes... let's see, there's Dickweed, Dog, Dumbsh- Ah, here it is...

[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate?

Oh; I never hit-and-run.

Joel

[as Judge] Well, that changes everything!

If you did, then you'd be booked in- [Angel clears his throat]

Servo

In phlegm?

-in a lower court.

Servo

Oh.

You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it.

[as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta-

I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had.

Thank you for shooting me with a dart.

Rocky.

Again?

Rocky!

Again?!

Servo

That's good, Crow.

[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky.

Again?

Servo

Oh-hooo, hit him.

[calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me?

Again?

Joel

... stop it.

Rocky!

AGAIN?

Joel

[snapping] STOP IT!

Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels?

[defensively] THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS!

Joel

[singing] W is for the many ways that you're served

[singing] A is for the admiration you deserve

[singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

Servo

[singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none!

Joel

[singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

[singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

Tom

Triple time!

[singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love--

Send me up another please!

[singing] Oh, waffles we love--

Servo

Top mine off with runny cheese!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Chili waffles suit me fine!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Joel

Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

[singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu!

[after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?

You know, it's fun to have an idea.

There, wasn't that fun?

And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.

[luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...

I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...

[nervously] I put them in my underwear!

...the bright glare of a welder...

[wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!

Yes!

...the sharp whine of the power tools…

...the piercing scream of a freshman…

...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.

[wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

Servo

The feeling of chaps with no pants!

...A wrench...

Mike

Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!

...A plane...

[haltingly] These tools are my friends!

...or a chisel...

Servo

What about girls young man? Girls?

Mike

No, no, chisels!

Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.

Then they pants you and drag you around the track…

Wow, you made this?

I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.

Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.

It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.

Kinda slow, huh?

Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.

Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.

How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?

I like it swell. Why?

Could you staple my ears back?

Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...

You shove off!

…and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.

There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.

At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.

Ted, you take Havana.

Here's something my wife could use around the house.

A man?

Where do we start?

Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]

At Goofy Clown Face!