Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

There are institutions for madmen-

Servo

[as Professor] Like the Pentagon!

-And we'll see to it you're confined in one!

Servo

[as the visions vanish] You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him.

We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see...

Joel

Next comes the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Joel

[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law] She's stoned; Whistler's Mother is stoned.

Servo

At least Popeye got that operation he always wanted.

[to Prof. Fitzgerald] I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men.

[as Cameron] ...And their hair.

Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence!

Joel

[sarcastically] Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there.

[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine] This should make a gory enough story for your paper.

Tom

It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend.

Joel

[as Tom] It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel!

Servo

You like long walks in the rain?

Chinese food?

Servo

Mushing up your ice cream?

Joel

[in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off.

[in terror] Petro; stay back!

Servo

[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron] I'll show you how the choke chain feels!

Joel

And it don't feel good.

Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that?

Joel

Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack.

Oh.

My name is Dr. Foster.

I'm Patricia Hunter.

Joel

I'm Joel.

Servo

I'm Servo.

I'm Crow!

I'm a news reporter.

Servo

I'm a robot.

Joel

I'm a human being.

[as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz] The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair...

[as Dr. Foster] The cut of our jib.

Joel

Learning is fun!

Joel

Bless you!

Gesundheit.

Joel

You're not supposed to do that...

Servo

That stirred up my RAMS real bad.

Joel

Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous!

Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home] It's the Berlin Wall!

Joel

Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland.

Joel

[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device] Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg...

[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance] I hired an idiot!

Is this the end of the film, Joel?

Joel

Uh, I don't think it is.

Servo

You ever had deja vu, Joel?

Joel

Huh? What?

Joel

We've gotta get out of here.

Servo

This is pathetic! [pause] You ever had deja vu, Joel?

Stop it!

Servo

[singing] You're watching Commando Cody; a not-so-new character from Republic. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing...

Joel

[singing] His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up...

[singing] Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- The Enemy Planet. [nervously laughs]