Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!

Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum?

Servo

Ack ack! Ack ack ack!

Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my!

Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust.

Like Jake, from Statefarm.

Trust? There's no one I can trust.

Not even Flo from Progressive.

Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask.

Servo

Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks.

Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits.

Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today.

Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan?

I can't hear you! I'm a book now!

The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you?

Servo

[singing] There's a hunger inside you...

And when you put it on again, what will it be like?

Servo

[singing] Won't go away...

Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body?

It's grease lightning!

Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?!

Shut up, SHUT UP!

You're killing me with this Word Jazz!

Tell me I'm not right.

That Pam ain't right.

[on the phone] Police department, please.

Yes, I'm white.

I don't know what to do.

You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache.

Joel

Is it?

Oh God, this one's king-sized!

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's too late for that.

What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator.

Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot.

According to Craigslist.

Better be a hell of an obstetrician.

No... just hold it in, please?

Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere.

By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric?

Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him.

What?!

Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot.

That's it! A movie lot, big deal.

Yeah, of course.

That explains everything.

The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts...

This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better.

But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony.

Friend, all I want is the exit.

One of these warp pipes should get us out of here.

Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane.

Servo

All I want's the end credits.

Servo

You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time.

Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective.

Joel

That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's The Bubble."

Servo

But, we are watching Arch Oboler's The Bubble, and that's pretty bad.

Joel

Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows.

Look, isn't it about time?

Servo

Uh-oh...

That you face reality?

Joel

Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom.

Reality? What reality?

You're soaking in it.

That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo.

Servo

You make it sound so metal.

I'd rather be in that nightmare.

Joel

This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married.

In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year?

But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of-

Since when haven't I been under an eye?

As a child.

As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job.

Then came army school.

When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore.

Servo

The end!

Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place?

Dull.

The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate.

Joel

And entertainment.

Yeah, even the bomb.

Whoa, that's heavy.

They're walking dead!

Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing.

We're chill.

We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security.

Thanks to ADT.

Well what's wrong with that?

I... I look up there... and I think to myself...

What a bubbleful world!

It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE BUBBLE IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! [runs out of the theater]

Wonder what he wanted.

Taxes.

Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us?

Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading?

I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself.

I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him!

Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers!

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

[comes out of hiding] No!

File an extension!

[stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough.

Really? You were winning.

I'll get the money.

We can Airbnb our hut.

Just don't hurt her.

I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes]

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas.

Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire?

Servo

And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one.

Where's Garrett?

He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. [sobs]

Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it.

But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water.

What do you think you're going to catch?

Servo

Lyme disease.