God help us, everyone.
AArdy
Movie in the ho-ho-hole!
“The Christmas Dragon” · Season 13
In this episode: Tom Servo (9), Joel Robinson (5), Jonah (5), Crow T. Robot (4), Emily (4), Ayden (3), GPC 2 (1), Ardy (1)
[Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents]
GGazared
Taxes.
ASAyden's Mother
Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us?
GGazared
Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading?
ASAyden's Father
I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself.
GGazared
I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him!
[thugs draw swords and approach]
CACrow [as a thug]
Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers!
[Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight]
CSCrow, Servo, and Emily
[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!
[comes out of hiding] No!
SAServo [as Ayden]
File an extension!
ASAyden's Father
[stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough.
EAEmily [as Gazared]
Really? You were winning.
ASAyden's Father
I'll get the money.
CACrow [as Ayden's Father]
We can Airbnb our hut.
ASAyden's Father
Just don't hurt her.
GGazared
I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes]
CSCrow, Servo, and Emily
[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!
CCrow
So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas.
G2GPC 2
Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire?
And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one.
FFin
Where's Garrett?
SAServo [as Ayden]
He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. [sobs]
[as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river]
Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it.
JAJoel [as Ayden]
But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water.
HHoyt
What do you think you're going to catch?
Lyme disease.
[a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants]
CSCrow, Servo, and Joel
[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!
CCrow
Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls.
Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair.
[as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon]
SAServo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]
Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh.
[as Ayden befriends the dragon]
It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage.
[to the dragon] Stay off that wing.
JAJonah [as the dragon]
[the dragon nods] Alright, mom.
Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest.
CACrow [as Ayden]
And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here.
SSaerwen
Don't worry...
SAServo [as Saerwen]
I left money for pizza.
SSaerwen
You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another.
Thanks to social media.
[Arik approaches them]
CCrow
Third wheel alert.
We're going north. Catch up with us when you can.
SAServo [as the dragon]
I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you?
[as Arik and Saerwen kiss]
JAJonah [as Arik]
Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about.
[as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh]
Oh man, guys look, they sleighed the dragon.
Oh, that's neat.
Oh, come on, Emily...
[as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs]
JAJonah [as Ayden]
The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL!
[Gazared and the thugs jump into a river]
EAEmily [as Father Christmas]
Eat tinsel, bastards!
JAJoel [as Father Christmas]
Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight!
JEJonah, Emily, and Joel
Ho ho ho!
It feels like we're moving!
Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song!
Which one? There's like 12.
Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.