Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Door is ajar.

The temperature is negative five degrees!

He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.

Servo

The time is 5:06 a.m.

The temperature is ten degrees!

Servo

Door is ajar.

He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.

Servo

The time is 8:06 a.m.

The temperature is twenty degrees!!!

Well, if you insist.

WILDERNESS!

Your father is in great danger, Paul!

Sweetums, is that you???

He needs your help!

And like ten bucks for gas money so he can get back to Albany!

Hurry, Paul!

I've shouted at three different boy schools! Is this the right Paul?!

Ha ha, dad! Chase me! I'm precocious and filled with wonder! We are but stardust!

You can't spell "dad" without ADD.

Paul!

Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG!

Servo

Wait a minute, did they just run across that lake?

PAAAUUUL!

BANG!

But I'm still so curious!

BANG!

I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this?!

How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick!

You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN.

Servo

Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace.

Don't laugh. You people are pigs.

You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.

All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.

My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em!

Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner.

How high, sir?

What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys!

You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner.

Make me understand.

It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with.

Servo

Ow! Geez!

If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]

Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments.

Servo

Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.

It's old Big Mike!

Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.

What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.

Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.

Maybe I'll laugh later.

I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.

Servo

[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!

Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?

[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!

You're nothing but a dumb Indian!

WHOA!

Servo

Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin?

"And-groin"? Did you just make that word up?

Servo

I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch".

Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting!

[holding a tray of android eyeballs] Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye!

[sigh] You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny.

Servo

Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up!

Servo

Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow!

Hah!

Hey...

Servo

Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future!

Hobo bedding... of the future!

The insides of scarecrows... of the future!

Servo

Practical dynamite storage... of the future!

Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future!

Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire... also of the future!

You are pronouncing our death sentence.

You dickweed!

I don't enjoy doing it.

You resented us from the beginning!

I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I...

Line!

We must consider the greater good!

The greater good...

Oh no, the universe lost reception!

The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good.

Servo

I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all.

New World Pictures presents...

The Illuminati made a movie? Huh.

Servo

Yeah, and they're so open about it.