Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch.

Oh, hi there.

Oh, she's in a heated pool.

Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche.

Servo

Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him.

Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please?

[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony] Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous.

Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry.

Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, and butter??? Oh...

[as he and Caroline get into an argument] What's going on here? I only asked you to dance!

You didn't ask me to dance, you told me to dance!

Servo

Crazy on you!

You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything!

I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?!

You stifle me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone.

I don't want to leave you alone!

Well, that's a problem I can solve.

Get a second divorce!

Servo

Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune?

I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there.

Servo

Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Plane-alanche!

I didn't know snow was so combustible.

Servo

It's not, but styrofoam is.

Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving.

I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know.

Servo

This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar?

That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent!

They should change the name of this movie from Avalanche to just General Catastrophe.

Servo

Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche?

What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it?

Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall.

Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive.

Yup. There she goes.

Servo

Even the fire smells like gin.

Servo

Dear TripAdvisor, too much snow. Did not appreciate avalanche. Serving staff was all dead. Cannot recommend.

Dear TripAdvisor, tried to get room service, chef said kitchen was on fire. Not the kind of service I'm accustomed to.

Dear TripAdvisor, man at disco only knew one song. Probably nice for singles, but not for families who want to keep their children alive.

Servo

Dear TripAdvisor, vending machines only had Cheez-Its! Chair-lift electrocution ride not nearly as fun as advertised.

Dear TripAdvisor, found cheerleader in my salad! Wait staff refused to help! One out of five stars!

Dear TripAdvisor, spent a magical week with the owner's mother. She's a bright, sassy lady. Seemed to think we were in Hawaii. Surprisingly good on keyboard. Died in a horrible explosion. Three stars.

Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking.

Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio.

[slurring] Kick me out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it!

[slurring] I told you we'd have fun on your birthday!

[drunk] You're not mad at me, are you?

Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago.

The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me.

I know, I've been there.

Girlfriend.

Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing.

[in a heavy American Accent] Speaking of disappearing...

Has anyone seen my accent?

Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from?

I'm from Connecticut!

What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?!

If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us!

But they did see!

What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away!

Ooh...

It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of...

Haggis. Ugh.

Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself.

He is another, stupider man.

Wow, Machu Picchu!

Servo

Machu Picchu is in Peru.

Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru?

Servo

[angrily] Would you just-?! Ohh!

[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery] Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off!

Servo

You can't, we tried that.

Yeah, we're made out of those special parts.

Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp!

Second act twist!

[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film] Uh, is this that Hamilton show everyone's talking about?

It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head.

[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely] Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?!

[begging] Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind!

What have we done to offend thee?!

Answer me! You guys are scaring me!

Who must we kill to slake thy anger?

[growing more uneasy] Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?!

[sobbing in horror] Make it stop!!

[as 'Movie Sign' blares] Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go!

[to Servo] What was all that about?

Servo

That wasn't us.