OTOnscreen Text
New World Pictures presents...
The Illuminati made a movie? Huh.
Yeah, and they're so open about it.
It's terrific to see you.
CACrow [as David]
Even in that color palette.
The two of you together...
And I'm not forgetting you, Danny from the last movie.
[as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow]
FFlorence
[breathless] In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill!
JAJonah [as the director]
Cut! Take 15, do it again!
[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]
CACrow [as Nick]
My snowball predicted all of this.
[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]
Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch.
[she surfaces]
Oh, hi there.
Oh, she's in a heated pool.
CCrow
Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche.
Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him.
[as a waiters serve numerous baked Alaskas]
JAJonah [as a waiter]
Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please?
CACrow [as a waiter]
[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony] Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous.
[as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting]
SAServo [as a waiter]
Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry.
JAJonah [as Florence]
Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, and butter??? Oh...
You know what this movie is missing?
CCrow
Name tags.
[as he and Caroline get into an argument] What's going on here? I only asked you to dance!
You didn't ask me to dance, you told me to dance!
Crazy on you!
You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything!
I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?!
You stifle me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone.
I don't want to leave you alone!
Well, that's a problem I can solve.
Get a second divorce!
[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]
Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune?
CCrow
I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there.
[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]
Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.
CCrow
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Plane-alanche!
I didn't know snow was so combustible.
It's not, but styrofoam is.
CCrow
Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving.
I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know.
This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar?
CCrow
Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter.
[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]
CCrow
That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent!
[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]
They should change the name of this movie from Avalanche to just General Catastrophe.
Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche?
CCrow
What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it?
[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]
Oh, it's commercial sign!
[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]
Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall.
Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive.
[the ambulance explodes]
CCrow
Yup. There she goes.
Even the fire smells like gin.
[as the film ends with Caroline leaving David alone in the ruins of his resort]
Dear TripAdvisor, too much snow. Did not appreciate avalanche. Serving staff was all dead. Cannot recommend.
CCrow
Dear TripAdvisor, tried to get room service, chef said kitchen was on fire. Not the kind of service I'm accustomed to.
Dear TripAdvisor, man at disco only knew one song. Probably nice for singles, but not for families who want to keep their children alive.
Dear TripAdvisor, vending machines only had Cheez-Its! Chair-lift electrocution ride not nearly as fun as advertised.
CCrow
Dear TripAdvisor, found cheerleader in my salad! Wait staff refused to help! One out of five stars!
Dear TripAdvisor, spent a magical week with the owner's mother. She's a bright, sassy lady. Seemed to think we were in Hawaii. Surprisingly good on keyboard. Died in a horrible explosion. Three stars.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.